May 3, 2013
14 First World Lesbian Problems
As a young gaybie, I couldn’t see much further than coming out. It seemed like the most insurmountable hill, the biggest obstacle, the most obsequious hurdle to jump, and that I would never, ever, ever have the guts to have that conversation with my nearest and dearest.
I would rehearse the scenario in my head until I was tired of my own voice, always trying to imagine their faces when I finally spat it out. Shock, horror, disbelief?
In the end, it was something of an anti-climax. My older brother was so nonchalant I wondered if he’d even heard me. My Mum had ‘always known’. My Dad still loved me. My best friends were only interested in who I fancied. The world kept turning and I moved onto some other all-consuming, monumental drama. Unrequited love after unrequited love.
I never considered what happens after you’ve taken those first steps into gay life, but quite soon I learned that coming out is just the start of a whole host of awkward, hilarious and heartbreaking situations that only lesbian and bisexual women could possibly understand.
Here is a totally scientific, not definitive or exhaustive, based entirely on stereotypes list of First World Gay Lady Problems. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
1. You have probably been mistaken for a 14-year-old boy more than once.
2. Everyday is a constant battle to avoid twinning with your girlfriend/wife/significant other.
3. People just love to shout really obvious things at you from moving cars, e.g ‘lesbian!’
4. Checking into a hotel is full of potential pitfalls. Be prepared for a lot of awkward.
5. You might see your ex.
7. You and your friends probably look like a 90s boy band when you go out.
8. It’s common to see an attractive man and feel torn between whether you want to be them or sleep with them (see: Ryan Gosling).
9. You think talking to your cat is a legitimate way to pass the time.
10. Clothes. Whether it’s what to wear to the beach, or what to wear to your wedding, there are no easy answers.
‘What if it was You?’ by Perpetual Detour.
12. You better get used to explaining exactly what it is that lesbians do in bed, because it’s likely you’ll spend even more time doing that than talking to your cat.
13. And while we’re on the subject of you-know-what, taking your sex toys on holiday is a disaster waiting to happen.
“What is that, some kind of weapon?”
14. In the end, it doesn’t matter how you get your hair cut or what you wear. One way or another, you will end up looking like Justin Bieber.
Lesbilicious at Bent Double, Brighton
Lesbilicious review of gay-friendly comedy night Bent Double in Brighton. We found out what people were doing to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
June 6, 2012