May 4, 2012
5 things no lesbian ever wants to hear
We’ve all had them. A well-meaning straight person finds out you’re a lesbian, and feels it necessary to offer ‘advice’ or ‘compliments’. And to make it worse, they always think they’re the first person to ever think to say it. So here are the top 5 things no lesbian ever wants to hear:
Most of us, at one stage in our lives, have been told that our liking of girls is nothing more than a “Phase we will grow out of”. No, no generally it’s not a phase. In a world still filled with taboo and stigma surrounding the LGBT community, the fact people even come out suggests it’s a bit more than a phase.
Dying your hair bright red can be considered a phase. Or choosing, at the grand old age of 60, to shave your head, change your name to bobbyboo and join an all-girl rock group… that can be a phase. Yes, a poorly chosen one, but a phase all the same.
4) “Have you ever been with a man?”
Girls, have you ever been with a woman? And boys, have you ever been with a man? This one speaks for itself in that you don’t have to have tried everything to know what you want.
Granted, if you’ve never tried a banana, how do you know it doesn’t taste nice? But then, is it really all about the taste? Sometimes you’re just so happy with your orange that you really have no interest in delving into other areas of the fruit bowl. Have you ever been with a parrot to find out whether you may or may not have a fetish for an odd type of bestiality?
3) “You just haven’t found the right man”
Yes, yes you got us this time. We haven’t found the right man. And until men start to have the correct genitals and the same genetic makeup as women; I think we’ll be spending the majority of our lives having never “found the right man”.
2) “Can I watch?”
Hmmm, correct me if I’m wrong, but last time I checked, a lesbian was someone who liked women. Correct me, again, if I’m wrong, but a man definitely isn’t a woman. Just because we, like heterosexual men, share the common ground that we’re both into women, doesn’t mean we should club together and enjoy it together.
Don’t ask if you can join in. Don’t ask if you can watch. We’re lesbians, not porn stars. Shall we ask you if we can sit and watch your wife in bed? No, because it’s weird and creepy; and for the record, it’s still weird and creepy when you men do it.
1) “You don’t look like a lesbian, you’re so pretty.”
There’s not a definitive guide for “how to be a lesbian”, no catalogue of clothing attire one should wear as a lesbian. Yes, there are archetypal items that seem to be generic for lesbians to have. But one doesn’t need to “look like a lesbian” in order to be one. They come in all shapes and sizes.
Secondly, “you’re so pretty?” What does this have to do with whether one is a lesbian or not? It’s similar to saying “you do medicine at university? But you’re so pretty”. Our beauty isn’t reserved for the men of this world. That is definitely not a compliment. Being a lesbian is all about having a love for women, not an aversion to men.
There are many things one can say to annoy a lesbian, but these five have got to be amongst the worst. Unless anyone can think of any I’ve missed?
Lesbilicious Comedy Review – March 2012
A taster of Lesbilicious Comedy in Newcastle upon Tyne.
May 21, 2012