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Threesomes, fuckbuddies and multiple wives: what makes an open relationship, and would you be prepared to have one?

Ivan, Turner and Lewis are three gay men who live in New York in a triad relationship. They consider themselves three equals, sharing one life and one bed.

Jane has a long-term lesbian partner called Dory, but Jane is interested in BDSM and Dory isn’t, so Jane gets her kicks from another woman who plays as her Dom every six weeks.

Brett is a 72-year old retired man form California who is part of a 5 person ‘W’. Brett’s primary partner is his wife Vicki, who also has another partner called Mark, who also has a wife called Mary, who also has another partner, called Ross. All five people are very close, but they rarely have sex all together.

These people might all have very different relationships, but what they have in common is a rejection of the idea that a relationship should be about two people, and two people only.

Nonmonogamy is not a myth, a symptom of a doomed relationship or an excuse for cheating, says Tristan Taormino at the start of Opening Up: A Guide to Polyamory: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, her engaging guide to open relationships. But neither is it the licence to do whatever with whoever – if monogamous relationships are all about communication, then you better be prepared for a lot of talking if you want to make an open relationship work.

Opening Up is a fascinating and extremely readable introduction to nonmonogamy. Taormino guides the reader with warmth and authority, intertwining real life stories with practical information. She’s certainly done her homework – the book is based on interviews with 100 people in non-traditional relationships. Their experiences are used as a platform for an intelligent and persuasive description of nonmonogamy, and how to make it work.

Opening Up touches on every conceivable element of having an open relationship, from how to cope with evolving relationships to how to come out to your children. It’s a very practical guide, which plays down the obvious titillation of focusing on multiple simultaneous sexual relationships in favour of promoting the more mundane and important elements of making a relationship work, such as making sure you make your partners feel secure and important in your life.

As a guidebook, it’s extensive. As an anthropological study, it’s fascinating. And as a marketing brochure, it’s tempting… but for me at least, not tempting enough. Whether it’s the weight of society’s expectations, the fear of coming out again to my mother, the realisation that I’m too busy as it is, or perhaps the quite obvious disapproval from my girlfriend, Opening Up might be a great read, but I don’t think I’ll be using it as a guide book.

Review by Milly Shaw

Soon to come to Lesbilicious: Read the exclusive interview with Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up and expert on all things sex and relationships!

Posted in: Books & Art, Exclusives, Sex & Relationships |