The top 5 perfect Valentine gifts (if you want to get dumped)

February 9th, 2009

Valentine’s Day is the most treacherous day of the calendar.

For single people it’s the day to wallow in self-pity before downing a bottle of wine and trying it on with your housemate, and if you’re not single the situation is even worse.

If you’re in a couple you either give into the sickly commercialism and buy some Hallmark-approved tat in the name of romance, or you decide as a couple not to do Valentine’s Day – and then have a row because your girlfriend was still secretly expecting piles of red roses, chocolates and teddy bears declaring your ‘wuv’ on February 14th.

For those that do decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day, here are the Lesbilicious top 5 most original Valentine’s gifts. Give these at your own risk.

1. Accurate heart

The perfect gift for romance cynics. Not as mushy as most Valentine’s Day hearts, not as creepy as an actual bleeding human heart.

$16.20 from I Heart Guts

2. Downstairs dye

Sexy lingerie is so conventional. When you really want to make an impact in the bedroom, head for Betty Beauty: “dye for hair down there”.

Choose from seven colours, including ‘malibu’ (blue), ’sexy’ (purple) or ‘fun’ (pink).

$12.99 from Betty Beauty / £14.99 from Indigo Health

3. The little book of minge topiary

Question: what could be sexier than a night with your girlfriend dyeing each other’s pubes?

Answer: dyeing each other’s pubes and then trimming your muffs into hilarious shapes.

£2.99 from Amazon

4. Smittens

Smittens are mittens for loved-up kittens.

And if that sentence didn’t make you feel a bit ill, then maybe you’re Smitten target market: clingy couples who panic if they’re separated by as much as a thin layer of material.

$34 from Smittens.biz

5. Two carat mug

An engagement ring? No, a mug made to look like an engagement ring!