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Could a homophobic, women-hating US President really be great for queer women? Kia Momtazi dreams up some amusing benefits from this worst-case scenario.

Here on the west side of the Atlantic, Sarah Palin is suddenly the Shane McCutcheon of US politics. Everyone’s talking about her, tons of people want to sleep with her and  - love her or hate her - we can’t get her out of our heads.

Sarah who?

Just in case you’re not up to speed on the latest developments in the macabre carnival that is the US Presidential race, here’s a real quick catch up:

Last month, Republican presidential nominee John McCain picked Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin as his running mate. Palin is young, pretty and charismatic, but her politics are quite depressing. Like, stick-your-head-in-the-toilet-and-flush depressing.

Her church supports the ex-gay movement, she doesn’t believe in marriage equality, and she opposes extending hate-crime laws to include gays and lesbians. Oh yeah, and abortion? Not even in cases of rape and incest.

If only her face matched her inner ugliness. Sadly, she’s pretty hot in that Stepford wife, porn-star-librarian kind of way. This, however, only makes it more painful that the most scandalous thing she’s done in a library lately is try to ban books about gay people.

How Palin will become President

Ladies, I am scared. Very scared, and massively cynical. Given the general ridiculousness of the past two elections, I already had my doubts about the ability of my fellow Americans to elect a decent president. Now, after the Palin panic of the past few weeks, I just can’t bring myself to believe that this time around will be any different.

I can see it already: her plucky, gal-next-door persona is going to overshadow all other rational considerations and win the election for the Republicans. Then, John McCain - who just turned 72 - will keel over dead and this crazy-ass bible thumping bitch is going to be the first female American President. It’s horrifying.

As a queer woman living in America, this disturbs me on many levels, especially where my civil rights are concerned. But as potential tragedy looms, the only way I can think to cope is to try and maintain a sense of humor. I figure if I can find a way to make light of this grim situation, it might not get the best of me.

Keeping that in mind, I’ve tried hard to find the silver lining on this very dark cloud, and I hereby propose to you:

5 ways lesbians around the world could benefit if Palin becomes President

1. The steady expatriation of American queers. As our rights get stripped away, we’ll be forced to flee for more progressive pastures. Roll out your rainbow carpets, ladies, because we’re coming and we’ll need some consolation snuggles.
2. When Palin overturns Roe v. Wade and makes abortion illegal, American women will be clamoring for risk-free orgasms. Book a cheap flight now and start packing your goody bag. Nobody I know ever got pregnant from a strap-on.
3. The women who aren’t smart enough to switch teams will still get pregnant, and scads of babies will be put up for adoption. Do you want kids but don’t feel the need to be genetically linked to your offspring? You and your partner might take advantage of the surplus of unwanted American infants and save some poor little soul from a lifetime of institutionalized bigotry.
4. Palin goes to work in three-inch heels but shoots guns and skins moose on her off days. If the so-called leader of the free world can gender-bend in such a way, surely you and your girlfriend can mix it up a little more at home. You might have a go with the electric drill and she might wear your lacy knickers to bed one night. Maybe one of you will then become President of your own country.
5. The L Word will be over by then, and you’ll be needing some replacement fantasy fodder. Like many of your favorite characters, Sarah Palin is a hot, well-dressed woman with expensive eyewear. Whenever she comes on the news, you can press the mute button and pretend she’s just the L Word’s latest sexy villain. Bette is about to walk into the frame, and she and America’s first female president are going to do it on the desk in the oval office! Put down remote, pick up vibrator, repeat as necessary.

Need to know more about Sarah Palin? Make sure you watch the hilarious Palin/Clinton spoof video. And if you want to know more about what feminist women are saying about Sarah Palin, Gloria Steinem, Rebecca Traister, Camille Paglia, Katha Politt, and Anna Quindlen all have very interesting thoughts on the subject.

Posted in: Campaigns & Politics, Exclusives |