The age old question: Should we come out to the elderly?
October 6th, 2008
Is it respectful or patronising to stay in the closet for the sake of the elderly? 20-something Faith Bosworth gives her opinion…
I have this little problem, I get really anxious around older people. I never know what to talk about and I usually end up quizzing them on their favourite biscuits and sweets because I’ve retained this infantile idea that once you’re past 60, you can eat whatever you like because looks and strong teeth don’t matter any more.
My biggest problem, however, is that no matter how much I psych myself up I cannot be frank about my sexuality around anyone over the 70-year-old mark.
When ‘gay’ just meant ‘happy’
At the sight of a hunched back and thick-lensed spectacles, the gay in me temporarily dies. I begin to think about how this person invariably grew up with the goal to find either Arthur or Martha, most certainly not both or whoever came along first, and settle down as either breadwinner or home-maker respectively. Despite everything we know now, homosexuality to this individual is still probably something completely wrong and a little unfathomable. And to me, it just seems unfair to shove it in their face.
They’re having a tough time already; old age isn’t exactly a riot. You’ve got to deal with things like water retention, arthritis and a sluggish thyroid. If you end up in an old age home, you’re usually forced to sleep in a separate bed from your partner of fifty years and your kids stop coming to visit. And if all that isn’t bad enough, health experts invent Batphones (click to see picture) which are obviously only intended to humiliate you further.
So when I’m confronted with an older person, I tend to ask myself “Do they really need to know I’m gay? Or that homosexuality even exists in their neighbourhood?” More frequently, I will rely on their failing eyesight and pass as a boy, happily keeping their skewed world view intact. I secretly think my actions are quite noble. Noble and severly warped.
Is it just me?
I decided to question a few others on this topic and find out how the rest of my generation cope. While there was one anomaly in the form of Clive*, a 22 year-old-gay man, who said that his grandmother was the first person he came out to, most people I spoke to in the 20-30 age bracket felt uncomfortable about their sexuality when faced with an elderly person.
Lauren*, an out and proud student activist, says that she has come out to everyone in her life bar her grandparents who, she feels, wouldn’t understand. “I look at my gran and see a woman who has spent much of her life being brainwashed from every direction. She grew up in the time of the Red Scare, World War II, the Great depression and the Cold War and still sees the world, as do a number of people from her generation, in racist terms”, she says.
Lauren does blame her gran for not questioning the way things were but, “I can also understand that she grew up in a time of immense fear and questioning was difficult because it often meant putting yourself in danger,” she says. Lauren’s grandmother is then not necessarily a person with no ethics but rather a product of her time and just too old to change.
Is this actually acceptable?
Well no, not really. If we’re willing to hide from our grandparents, would we also be willing to sit mum if they were suddenly to begin ranting about how much they hate gays and lesbians? Hopefully not. No exceptions should be made when it comes to this kind of thing.
Now, while I’ll happily allow my values to be walked over by anyone with a zimmer frame, there’s no way I’d grant the same liberty to a member of the next generation. When it comes to my baby boomer relatives, I don’t care that they were birthed on a “white’s only” bench in South Africa, I want to know why they tacitly agreed to apartheid and failed to resist more effectively against it.
Why older people actually rule the world
We tend to think their opinions on society don’t really make a difference because they’re all going to peg soon but when it comes to elections, older people often keep abreast with political developments (because you know, all they do every day is drink tea, read newspapers and write complaints letters) and form a large segment of the voting population. And since 2008 marks the first time older people have outnumbered youths in the UK, it seems that their power base is only expanding.
So if you never challenge your grandparents, you can’t complain when they vote for a candidate who wants to eradicate all your rights. In the video below Sarah Silverman offers some sound advice on this issue as she urges grandchildren in Florida to convince their grandparents to cast a Democrat vote: “[Just tell them] if they vote for Barack Obama, they’re going to get another visit this year. If not, let’s just hope they stay healthy til’ next year.”
*Names changed to protect the aged
This makes me look like such an ageist.
Faith, I think this must be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time (maybe you should just quit trying to be serious)
I worry though that your ageist stereotypes and generally undermining comments might get you into trouble with some of your human rights friends.
But you raise some really interesting questions: not approaching difficult topics with people just because they’re old is actually really patronising and maybe not even ethical, especially since they’re young enough to vote. I do think that they deserve an extra measure of sensitivity and respect though…
Older people are no different to younger people- except that many of them have now got passed the point of actually caring what other people think of their opinions!
I volunteer in a charity shop with many older people, and some of the stories they tell would make your hair curl! One lady revels in her status as Scarlet Woman - she told me she only liked men married to other women. Another told me that “Queerness” seemed more common these days - in her day, the only people she knew were a couple called “The Two Sisters” (although they weren’t related and were treated as a couple by everyone around them) and a couple of guys who were (her words) “As queer as a nine bob note”. Oh, and then there was Bertie who run the cinema… and that chap who sold haberdashery… and several women who never married because they could never find the right man (but everyone suspected they were of “the other persuasion”).
So I came out to them. Their response? “That’s nice dear. Have you got a girlfriend?”
Ha ha ha I love it!
Sorry but I COMPLETELY agree. I’ll come out to the world. Except the aged. Shame. Just shame.
It’s just wrong isn’t it?
I don’t think you should worry - you were giving your opinion and you were being real, is’nt that what free speech and democracy is all about! I could see the obvious tone of humour and agree with you in most respects! My mom worked at an old age home and in fact there was a woman there in her 70’s who once said to me when I was 14 years old “Dont be in a hurry to grow up my boy, before you know it you will have a girlfriend or boyfriend and settle down, get married and grow old” She helped me see that it was possible to be accepted for who I am because if a 70 year old colonial whenwe from “Rhodesa” (I realise this is politically incorrect but no whenwe calls their old country Zimbabwe)can be so open minded then anything is possible! Keep speaking your mind Faith - you go girl :)
Faith you are a riot yourself! You certainly made me laugh. But with regard to the topic at hand… i always say that it always depends on the person. For some it is easier to come out to some liberal 70 year old’s than to come out to some very religious/conservative 20 year old’s. Every situation is unique.
PS: Is “Lauren’s” grandmother like 104? That’s an awful lot of world events to live through.
Nice work, Faithy! My gran of almost 80 knows that I’m gay… but it’s one of those ‘things we don’t talk about’. But as Paula says, it completely depends on the person. I think that it’s important to tactfully speak up if they say something homophobic. But unless you think it’s going to add to your relationship with your grandparent/’older’ person, than I wouldn’t suggest coming out to them.
Faith what a great piece! I totally understand a lot of your comments. I’ve came out to one set of my grandparents and my nana thinks its great but then she was understanding due to my uncle being gay. My other grandparents wouldn’t understand, my papa is a proper man’s man (I don’t mean to offend) but he’s from a generation where the men worked and the woman were domestic goddesses and nothing else. I have mulled over telling him many a time but I always hold back thinking what really is the point, all we talk about is sport, work and what a “lovely biscuit” to go with our endless cups of tea!
It is worrying as you mentioned though when you consider that the elderly are still making the effort to go to the polls and are really making big decisions in our daily lives which we are all (including myself) failing to appreciate.
Anyway i’ve yapped too long, great post faith.
Bec, perhaps you are confused. There are two periods referred to as “The Red Scare”, the later one being in the 1940s and 1950s. So…. um if she grew up during the Great Depression and lived through the other three events, she would still only be around 80. Shame I know you mathematics is not your strong point. Stick to the things you’re good at my girlie.
People listen up! I have a story. It’s a true story.
My friend told me a tale of a friend of hers who was ‘out’ to all but her gran but desperately loved her gran and wanted to be true to her before losing her right? Her mum said “don’t do it.” she is old and doesn’t need to know. Well..you know us lesbians with passion, integrity and unbridled righteousnous about our sexual orientation..? well this girl decided to tell her gran one night when no one else was around. “Gran”, she said, “I have something to tell you that I have wanted you to know for a while but I was worried about telling you.”
“Oh dear,” said Gran, “whatever is the matter?”
“I’m gay!” said the said friend.
“Oh that’s lovely dear” said gran,
” so am I!” now tell me the elderly shouldn’t know!
Give those old dears, who paved the way for you the benefit of knowing they did a good job in their way by just existing as part of the past. They experienced the hard times when it was necessary to remain secret and hidden but yet by existing they were finding a way to pass on the understanding that through the years lesbians have always been around and always will be because it is part of natural human nature.
I think I might actually have fainted if I was her!
In the past I’ve definitely been hesitant about being out to older people but having been to a few Civil Partnerships recently I’ve realised that older people are just as likely to be open-minded as the young (and just as likely to be homophobic!). The brides and grooms at the CP’s I’ve been to all had their grandparents there who were delighted to see their grandchild getting married and I can only assume would have been gutted to have missed the day due to our often misplaced assumption that older people can’t ‘cope’ with LGBT people.
It certainly made me challenge my assumptions about older people.