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Not everyone rejoices when same-sex marriage laws are passed, writes M.L. Kozlowski. Even some gay people are not pleased with such news. But why is that? Why do gays hate gays getting married?

Reasons to hate gay mariage

That’s not our turf. Marriage originated as a heterosexual institution. It has always been ‘between one man and one woman,’ or in some instances, ‘one man and five(ish) women,’ so why would same-sex loving people want to go there? It seems like a betrayal to the gay community to join sides with the force of the oppression.

But the bible told me so. Okay, not just the bible, but the Torah and the Qur’an, too. Religions ancient and modern, widely and scarcely practiced generally have an aversion to homosexuality or homosexual acts. Whether gay lifestyle or gay sex is considered sinful or punishable by death, let’s just say it’s not always accepted. Lots of gays were raised in religious families, and whether they’re still pious or far from it, they certainly don’t want to fulfill the roles of marriage as described in their (former) places of worship.

We’re all whores. There’s the opinion that gays just can’t settle down and have a happy family life. This is obviously not the case for everyone, but some gays just don’t see the point in marriage. Where’s the fun in monogamy when this Friday night the pub will surely be crawling with, as they say, hotties with bodies?

What’s in a name?

Is there really a problem with gay marriage? For some gay people, it’s not the legal lifelong commitment that puts their panties in a twist, it’s the terminology. Civil unions? Domestic partnerships? Sure, why not? But marriage? Marriage is the essence of heterosexuality.

What would Elton John say? Oh right: “The word ‘marriage,’ I think, puts a lot of people off. You get the same equal rights that we do when we have a civil partnership. Heterosexual people get married. We can have civil partnerships.”

It’s been ingrained in heads - gay and straight - for centuries that marriage is ‘between one man and one woman.’ Some gay people, like Elton John, want no part in marriage, but would love to have equal rights as citizens, be recognized as partnered or unioned, and share in the legal benefits that so many countries give to those wed. A gay marriage seems an oxymoron, but a same-sex union sounds just dandy.

Separate but equal is not equal

Still though, there are gays who will settle for nothing less than marriage. Civil unions, same-sex unions, domestic and civil partnerships aren’t up to par because they are still giving precedence to heterosexual marriages. It still sounds less than marriage, a tier below on the hierarchy, even when all the right rights are in place.

A common argument in the USA is that “You can’t get married, but you can have a civil union” sounds a lot like “You can’t sit in the front of the bus, but you can sit in the back.”

If the same terminology isn’t used for gay and straight marriage, how are the two equal?

Argument for marriage

Let’s face it, married people have a higher status in society. Employers prefer their stability, the government gives them benefits.

Queer citizens who are forbidden by law from marrying their chosen same-sex partners are not equal to heterosexual citizens, who have the right to marry. Even if gay couples were granted the same legal benefits with civil partnerships, what if, down the line, some government official wanted to change the laws to diminish benefits given to couples in civil partnerships? She or he could take away benefits from gays and not from straights.

If both legal bonds were called marriage, though, the government could not alter the rights of only certain (gay) couples.

Benefits of marriage

There are lots of benefits that come with marriage: shared healthcare, hospital visits, medical decisions, joint taxes, joint adoption, divorce protections like child support, social security.

The United States grants over 1400 state and federal benefits with heterosexual marriage. It’s no wonder gay couples want the benefits, even if they don’t want the title of marriage.

Hold up, where can gays get married?

Lots of places, actually. Though it’s not always called marriage.

For example, there are Civil Partnerships in the United Kingdom, Denmark, Croatia and Luxembourg. There’s the Civil Solidarity Pact in France and rights granted for partnership in Finland. New Zealand, parts of Brazil and parts of Mexico all grant Civil Unions.

Gay marriage exists in The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa and parts of The United States (’marriage’ in Massachusetts and Connecticut, ‘civil unions’ in Vermont, New Jersey, New Hampshire, ‘domestic partnerships’ in Oregon and Washington. New York recognizes legal same-sex marriages, but does not grant them within its own state. It was once legal to marry in California, but not anymore.)

In Portugal same-sex and heterosexual couples have the same common law marriage benefits, as well as in Hungary. Rights in Australia have just been granted to same-sex couples who fall under the terms for common law marriage.

But there are also plenty of countries that ban gay marriage, like Honduras, Latvia and Uganda.

Illegal alert

In addition to banning gay marriage, some countries have determined that homosexual acts can be punishable by death: Saudi-Arabia, Mauritania, Iran, Sudan, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, Nigeria.

A first offense may only result in 100 lashes, like for lesbians in Iran, but for many members of the GLBTQ community, death is a very real possibility.

So shouldn’t gays be happy about gay marriage?

Gay married couples have the potential to be more stable.

According to Professor Michael King, of University College London, “Legal civil partnerships could increase the stability of same-sex relationships and minimise the social exclusion to which gay and lesbian people are often subjected.”

Marriage gives an easier possibility for more permanent decisions about the future: home owning, financial savings, and family planning. Marriage does help some gay couples who want to achieve and maintain stable lifestyles. Even gay penguins want to be dads.

But maybe that is all just too hetero. And some gays really hate that.

Posted in: Campaigns & Politics, Exclusives |