June 10, 2013
Homosexuality cure? There’s an app for that
I have been suffering with chronic homosexuality for a few years now and recently, I have thought, “Enough is enough, I’m going on Embarrassing bodies to see if they will refer me to a specialist.” When I went out, people would point and laugh at me because of my condition. I just wanted my life back.
The prospect of exposing my homosexuality to the nation and having a lubricated finger poked into it was a small price to pay for the promise of a confirmed diagnosis and treatment. Perhaps they will use laser treatment? Or a steroid cream to rub into my eyebrow piercing? Or surgery where my checked shirt and Converse will be removed and I will have a dress constructed from the fat in my cheeks?
I was relieved when Dr Christian Jessen explained that actually surgery was not necessary, and he prescribed me an app called ‘Setting captives free’. He said that a lot of people had tried it and that it never worked, so I was excited to give it a try, hopeful that at least I could bring my condition to a manageable state, one where I could marry a man and only have fantasies about Mila Kunis every month or so.
So I went on Google Play (Apple had withdrawn the app amid complaints) and downloaded it for free. The icon showed a Christian cross next to a ball and chain. The app told me “Every day we help people just like you find freedom from habitual sins and learn to grow in grace.” Sounded promising!
I was a little perturbed, however, by the reviews on Google play, with 407 out of the 483 reviewers giving it only one star. Here are some of the comments:
“It seems the programmers didn’t include a section on how to stop being bigoted idiots.”
“Don’t you closet gays have anything better to do with your time?”
“Not only am I *still* a lesbian, but I crave vagina more than ever.”
These are a couple of the comments left by those who were in support of the app:
“BTW there is no such word as homophobic. That’s an invention of the homosexul [sic] community.”
“You’re not gay bashing, you’re trying to help the broken.”
The “Door of Hope” and “Sexual Purity”
I clicked on the “Door of Hope” (a sixty-day interactive course) under the heading of “Sexual Purity”. The other “Sexual Purity” courses were “Teen purity”, “Breaking the addiction of pornography”, and one for spouses of those struggling with sexual impurity. It turns out that I could treat my sexual impurity and enjoy a “newfound relationship with the Lord.”
First of all, I had to pray before reading the lesson. Then I answered these questions:
- Why do you want to be free of homosexuality?
- Analyse your reasons listed above. Did they come from a desire to please God? If not, are you willing to set aside personal agenda and make pleasing God your primary objective?
This was confusing; Dr Christian Jessen hadn’t said anything about God. But I went ahead with it anyway because they made it seem as if pleasing God was really important.
The first question threw me into a further state of confusion:
- Have you been feasting on God’s word?
I didn’t really know what “feasting” would entail so I was fairly sure that I hadn’t done it. Then there was a lot about Jesus and a woman drinking water.
Farewell old friends!
The app told me to put in place an adequate internet filter, presumably to stop me Googling Mila Kunis, watching The Real L Word, and listening to Lucy Spraggan’s single.
I resolved to stop my addiction to the Ladies’ pond on Hampstead heath and, with great sorrow, I burned every piece of Superdry clothing that I owned. It was time to say goodbye to my old life. I went to G-A-Y basement one last time; never again would I feel the sticky floor beneath my feet, nor get frisked by the Lesbian bouncer.
Fast-forward to day 60
Jeanette Winterson’s adoptive mother once said to her, “Why be happy when you could be normal?” It seems that I couldn’t be either. I had a major relapse on day 60; I binged on The L Word and bought Diva. The guilt was terrible. I was in a position where I couldn’t be “normal”, and how could I be happy when I was now filled with self-loathing about my “sins”? I gave the app one star on Google play (zero stars was not an option) and went to Twat Boutique.
Kung Fu Lesbian – Trailer
The trailer for Dan Curry’s debut novel, King Fu Lesbian.
October 31, 2012