February 25, 2011

IconJustin Bieber, secret gay weapon

Gay rights campaigning is very grown up these days, writes Milly Shaw. Gone are the days of lesbian avengers abseiling into the BBC to protest for gay rights on live TV. Nowadays all the campaigning is done by the sensible folk at Stonewall, who have polite conversations with government thinktanks over tea and unthreatening biscuits.

But what even Stonewall don’t realise is that the radical protesters have been quietly planning a new revolution for 16 years. Turns out that the Daily Mail were right all along. Lesbians really are dangerous predators, who will stop at nothing to convert the innocent to their wicked deviant ways. The revolution is here and it has a name: Justin Bieber.

Project Justin Bieber was a simple concept. A young teen pop sensation to steal the hearts of every impressionable young girl in the world. A pretty boy, with just the right mixture of vulnerablity and swagger. And now that he is the epicentre of all teenage lust and longing, time to detonate the truth: Justin Bieber is a lesbian; has always been a lesbian.

A moment of confusion, perhaps anger for the millions of Beliebers, then a realisation that it changes nothing, and that Justin Bieber is still the most beautiful creature in the world.

Project Justin Bieber will convert every teenage girl into a lesbian in one fell swoop.

leto130The clues have been there all along of course. Leonardo Di Caprio and Jared Leto were two previous attempts to place lesbians into the hearts of young girls, with varying degrees of success. Project Leonardo Di Caprio was a huge success with the teenage demographic in Romeo + Juliet and Titanic, but focus group feedback suggested that young girls were moving away from the ageing rodent look, and he was quietly dropped from the campaign.

Actor and musician Jared Leto was another promising recruit, but the badboy eyeliner made him a little too edgy for suburban parental approval. (Incidentallly, YouTube has documentary footage of the girl who plays Jared Leto turning from girl to boy with makeup)

Di Caprio was too ugly and Leto was too alternative, but Bieber had it all, with his puppydog eyes and pouting lips.

At times there were fears Bieber was playing it too close to the truth. That baby smooth skin had clearly never known a razor, and the classic lesbian hair pinged many a gaydar. But mainstream pop culture never saw it coming. Not even the leaked research document lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com wrecked the surprise, despite being a comprehensive archive of early Justin Bieber prototypes.

But now he’s here, she’s queer and you’d better beliebe it. Justin Bieber is a lesbian, and so is every teenage girl in the world.

1 Response to Justin Bieber, secret gay weapon

  1. lacey says:

    Bieber scares me.

Milly Shaw

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