March 23, 2009
Lesbian Vampire Killers: review
I’m not going to pretend that I was looking forward to seeing Lesbian Vampire Killers, writes Milly Shaw.
I admit I was already prejudiced before I sat down, and that I had a hunch that it might be more of a lad’s-mag boob-fest than a sensitive and subtly nuanced portrayal of lesbianism. But I was in for a surprise.
Lesbian Vampire Killers surprised me by being far far worse than I could ever have imagined. It’s not just a spoofy excuse to leer at faux-lesbians, it’s a cold and deeply unfunny 86 minutes of hatred against women.
The adventure begins with one of our two male heroes being dumped by his ‘bitch’ of a girlfriend, and the other being sacked by his ‘bitch’ of a (female) boss. They decide to go on a hiking holiday and end up in a cottage in a forest with a group of ‘sexy’ and pathetic Swedish girls.
Thanks to the curse of a long-dead lesbian vampire queen, the girls all quickly become vampires, who our heroes then enjoy killing for the rest of the film. The ex-girlfriend’s death is particularly vicious, a drawn-out and brutal attack delivered with glee by the two men.
This is clearly not a film to be deeply analysed, but the filmmakers are obviously proud of their screamingly obvious symbolism so it seems only fair to mention it. The female curse was cast during “the time of the red moon”, and the point is hammered home in the middle of the final battle, when one of the male characters makes a point of noticing “the red moon bleeds.”
Too subtle? How about the fact that not only are the lesbian vampires dispatched by being penetrated, at their moment of death – the heroes’ moneyshot – the vampires explode with a huge spurt of white liquid.
Lesbian Vampire Killers’ true climax, however, comes with a magic weapon repeatedly referred to as “the cock sword.” This is an ancient sword whose handle looks like a penis, which is hilarious to one of the characters and disgusting to the other, who doesn’t want to hold the sword as it seems “a bit gay”. No doubt you’ve guessed what happens, but let me spell it out anyway.
The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It’s a subtle moment, so let’s rephrase: the lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword.
With the “man-hating hot dykes” no longer a problem, the hero is finally free to claim the last remaining trophy Swedish girl, whose only wish was to lose her virginity.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is a breathtakingly awful film. But not just because it’s a relentlessly vicious attack on women – it’s also very poorly acted and just not funny. The few weak jokes in the script involve the shock of a priest occasionally swearing and the hilarity of pushing a naked woman by her breasts.
Even those watching Lesbian Vampire Killers for the prospect of seeing lesbian vampires – undoubtedly a vast majority of the audience – will be disappointed. There are a few minutes of women writhingly disinterestedly against each other in the opening scenes, but to be honest there would probably be more lesbian action on a Friday night in your local straight club.
Lesbian Vampire Killers is nasty, lazy, boring and humourless. Don’t see it.
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