July 14, 2011
Liveblog: Candy Bar Girls, episode 2
Hello and welcome to our first Candy Bar Girls liveblog. Well, I say ‘first’: I actually covered last week’s episode on my personal site before being invited to do the rest over here at Lesbilicious HQ. It’s much nicer at Lesbilicious though: they have cushions shaped like Ellen Degeneres and everyone’s dressed as Xena. And look, there’s the cast of Lip Service bouncing past on rainbow coloured space hoppers! How lovely… *waves*
If you’re not familiar with livebloggery, our theme for the evening is ‘gentle mockery with a side order of fun-poking’. Reality TV as a format lends itself particularly well to jokes: especially if one of the people appearing on the series is dressed like a Victorian street urchin version of Shane from the L Word.
So put on your fedora, gel your fringe into an interesting shape (my personal preference is cloud-shaped-like-a-platypus. Or possibly ‘melted Mr Whippy’) and hold on tight. I’ll be updating constantly from 10pm: refresh the page for updates and if you have any thoughts, jokes or incomprehensible sexual yearnings for Shabby or any of the other -for want of a better word- ‘characters’, do let me know in the comment box so I can shake my head sadly, weep a bit and feel slightly alienated.
See you at 10!
9.50pm I’m getting a bit impatient waiting for it to come on, so I thought I’d share one of the comments from last week’s blog with you all.
“@alizee_alice: I was thinking that the show could do with a theme choon:
Candy Bar girls are having fun,
Grey shrivelled skin ‘cos they never see the sun.
Drinking and falling with their tits on the floor!
Come on through the Candy Bar door!
It needs some work, but I think we’re about 36% there.”
I personally love it- and find it works best when sung to the ‘Milky Bar Kid’ theme.
Back at 10!
10pm: Ooh, it’s starting. I hope you’re all singing ‘Candy Bar Girls are having fun’ over the opening credits. I know I am…
We’re treated to a recap of last week’s tomfoolery. We see Alex falling over, Gary continuing his International War On Pink (the colour, not the celebrity. That’d be a bit odd) and Danni becomes the ‘Face of the Candy Bar’.
Do bars really need ‘faces’? Surely doors should suffice…
10.05pm: We’re introduced to another Jo- no, not the one who talked us through a line up of her teddy bears last week: a brand new one who’s been working as a DJ for ten years. She’s going out with a girl called Daisy who’s either a barrister or a barista- I’m not entirely sure which. She’s quite smartly dressed though so I assume its the former. Starbucks employees rarely dress like an Apprentice candidate on the way to the boardroom. They probably should, though: it’d make a nice change from those awful aprons.
Jo wants to change career: she’s planning to become a primary school teacher but she doesn’t have any suitable clothes. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I’d have minded if my teacher wore ripped denim if it meant she could train me how to seamlessly mix two tracks together….and how to pick up hot women.
10.13pm We’re introduced to Rachel and Rox. Or ‘Rachel and Moss from the IT Crowd’, rather. They’re University sweethearts who now live together. Rachel is, for want of a better word, a hottie. Rox is too, however I can’t shake the feeling she’s about to ask me if I’ve turned it off and on again. Which, incidentally, is also her technique in bed.
Oh my. Rachel’s parents are saying grace. They’re Christians. This has added an entirely new level of dramatic tension to the meal: I keep expecting Rox to reveal a Darwinesque ‘fish with legs’ tattoo and hand out copies of the latest Richard Dawkins book. However, dinner passes without a hitch- the Christian parents turn out to be surprisingly tolerant and very loving and Rox is entirely welcomed as a member of the family. They do, however, want to ‘watch Rachel fight her battles’, which is quite odd. It’s like some kind of lesbian Fight Club.
10.18pm: back to DJ Jo- her house has been broken into and all her DJ equipment has been stolen, meaning she might no longer be able to support herself, and certainly won’t be able to do her set at the Candy Bar tomorrow night. It’s entirely rubbish…so rubbish, in fact, that I’m going to refrain from making a joke for an entire paragraph. Poor Jo.
10.20pm: Alex (remember her- the one who kissed a man and didn’t like it and who fell over at the photoshoot last week) has settled down with 32 year old Sam, who reveals that she’s taking Alex to Paris: prompting my girlfriend to ask ‘why have you never taken me there?’
Thanks Sam. Thanks.
10.22pm: What Alex doesn’t know is that Sam’s intending to pop the question while they’re over there. The marriage question, that is, not ‘why do lesbians like Superdry clothing so much’. They ask a taxi driver to take them to a ‘clube lesbianne’, however they seem to have ended up at an empty bar with some kind of odd tribal/Brazilian theme. Well, you know, lesbians, Brazilians- what’s the difference, really?
I suspect the Candy Bar manager insisted the camera crew took them there to highlight how much better their bar is than ones run by those half-assed, namby-pamby ‘continental types’. Or possibly because ‘lesbianne’ is actually french for ‘South American Theme Bar’
10.25pm: Great news! The police have recovered Jo’s missing property. However, that does mean that this is the most redundant few minutes in televisual history: a bit like having a character complain they’ve broken their arm, then just admit a few scenes later that they just ‘slept on it a bit funny’.
10.27pm: It’s Danni, a.k.a. The Face of the Candy Bar, a.k.a. Widefringedanni. She’s got a date with another Candy Bar employee called Lizu, which is almost certainly not how her name is spelled, but hey. Danni’s flatmate is worried about her rejoining the dating scene so soon after dumping her previous girlfriend, Matt Lucas. She shouldn’t have worried though, as Leeesu is about as needy as a three day old puppy. And has Hitler hair.
She ditches Li-Tzu to go shopping for nipple covers. I had some of them once- they made excellent hats for my hamster.
10.33pm: Ad break! A perfect chance to highlight this comment by Jenn:
“children like stripes, buy something with stripes”
Children also like Haribo. Jo should probably stick them to her clothing too. And a Nintendo DS. And Disneyworld.
10.35pm: Back to Alex and Sam. They’re just waking up together in Paris, both fully clothed and without any stolen drums or Brazilian flags or Gendarme’s helmets. Can’t have been that good a night then…
Sam sneaks back into the closet- but don’t worry, she’s just going to get the ring. How on Earth is she going to hide it in her pocket though? Her jeans are so tight you can practically see her vulva.
Ah, bless- she proposes to Alex by the banks of Sacre-Coeur. Or possibly ‘Sacre Bleu!’ – or possibly somewhere else entirely. Sorry, I was entirely overcome by the romanticalness of it all. She said yes, people. She said yes!
10.38pm: DJ Jo is in Da House. And by ‘da house’ I mean ‘da tattoo studio’. She’s getting a mahoosive tattoo which looks incredibly painful. I’ve never had a tattoo, partly because I don’t like agony, and also because they had a ‘no tattoos of the Queen doing it with a Corgi’ policy, which is an infringement of my right to free speech, frankly.
10.42pm: Jo, Danni and Daisy the Barista (clearly on a night off from the late shift at Caffe Nero) are all out at a drunken party. Jo is insisting she’s only come out to support Daisy and should be in bed because she has to teach a bunch of kids how to unnecessarily shout at people first thing in the morning. Poor Daisy is reduced to tears. Jo thinks that Daisy’s been ‘ignoring her’ and continues to have a go at her outside, before deciding to stop talking to her leaving Daisy sobbing in the arms of a large breasted lady in a basque. Although I suppose that might count as a silver lining.
Frankly, I wish the thieves HAD managed to get Jo’s bloody Sony Vaio laptop. What a cowbag. Tsk.
10.45pm: “What we’re going to do, kids,” says Jo the next morning, “is pass the energy around the room.”
“….I need to steal yours because I look like a haggard vampire who was up til 5am arguing with my girlfriend and being sick.”
10.46pm: “Are you afraid of my cat?” says Jo to a very small boy while stroking what looks like one of the boom mikes. There’s a joke to be made there, but I’m certainly not going to be the one to make it. No sirree.
The next day, she heads off to her PGCE interview. For some reason she seems surprised that she was asked to do English and Maths tests: did she think she was going to be teaching the kids how to bicker with their girlfriends at a fetish club?
10:53pm: Shabby has organised a ghost hunt inside the Candy Bar. What are they looking for, exactly- the spectres of shattered relationships? Ghouls with runny mascara who’ve had too many blue WKDs? The remnants of her own sense of irony? Who can say.
Argh! Oh my- did you see that? It looked like a small Victorian boy! Call the exorcist!
Oh wait, no: it was just Shabby. Never mind.
Full disclosure: I’m actually rather attracted to Shabby, which is why I’m so rude about her. Shabby, if you’re reading this: I’m the online equivalent of the boy that fancied you at school who kept pushing you over and pulling your hair. Call me, yeah?
But seriously though- lose the bow ties and cravats: you’re not Matt Smith.
10.55pm; Lesbo Most Haunted continues in the toilets, as they look for whatever’s going ‘bump’ in the toilets, closely followed by the bouncers. That sort of thing is definitely not allowed: whoever the ghosts are, they’re going to get thrown out for sure.
Re: ghost hunt: this is possibly the most pointless thing I’ve ever seen- and I’ve been known to watch The Only Way is Essex.
10.58pm: Back to Jo- and we watch her take a phone call telling her she’ll be accepted onto the PGCE so long as she gets a 2:2 on her current degree. Sorry, but that’s far more scary than that bloody ghost hunt: shouldn’t we demand that the nation’s primary school teachers, those vital moulders of young minds, have at least a 2:1? And are nicer to their girlfriends?
Right, well, that’s that for another week. I hope you all enjoyed the antics of New Jo, Daisy, Alex, Sam and co. I found it a lot more palatable than last week, mainly because it contained at least 90% less Shabby. But what did YOU think? Let us know in the comment box below.
Read Hilary Wardle’s other Candy Bar Girls episode liveblogs:
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“If I Was Your Gayfriend” – new & improved version of Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend”
June 7, 2012