August 11, 2011
Liveblog: Candy Bar Girls, episode 6
Can you believe it’s the final episode of Candy Bar Girls? I’m so sad. I’ve no idea what I’ll do with myself at 10pm next week. Or 11pm. Or 9pm. Or whenever the heck this series was actually on: the time slot varied more wildly than the government’s current stance on policing issues (that’s right people: it’s not all jokes about hats- I’m also capable of cutting edge political commentary).
Tonight, Candy Bar Girls has been bumped an hour later not by a timely Amy Winehouse documentary in response to an unexpected and tragic piece of news, as happened last week, but by a programme called ‘Tree Man’, about a man who- yes, you guessed it- looks like a tree. It seems Channel 5 have decided to prioritise the key 18-34 bark covered demographic over the needs of their lesbian audience. Tsk: don’t they care about us at all? I don’t know, first they cancel Xena, now this.
As it’s the end of the series I’ve dressed up as Shabby to mark the occasion. But not any old version of Shabby, oh no: In homage to the newest social network to appear on the scene I’ve come as ShabbyPlus. I’m wearing not one but four bowler hats balanced on my head and so much eyeliner I look like a terminally ill panda. Also, whenever I’m not typing, rest assured I’ll be poking everyone else in the room with a stick, doing a funny dance and screaming “LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” at the top of my voice. And weeping.
As ever, I’ll be updating constantly from 11pm so hit refresh to see the latest updates and leave your thoughts, musings and expressions of grief at the fact this roller coaster ride of televisual excellence will soon be over in the box below.
See you soon!
10.58pm: Gosh, it’s a bit late, isn’t it? But who are we to complain…I’m certain I speak for the entire lesbian community when I say we’re all cer-azy party animals who, like the Candy Bar denizens, are out all night downing absinthe, Benylin and Jaegermeister shots. Not to mention pole dancing in spray on gold hotpants, waistcoat, tie, Superdry armwarmers and a spangly fedora. We certainly don’t need to get an early night because we have work tomorrow, no siree…we’re all freelance TV presenters with a sideline in customised T-shirt design.
11.00pm: It’s starting! I can’t believe this is the last time we get to see the so-bad-it’s-good neon rainbow intro: I might have it made into my laptop screensaver. We get to see the pedestrian antics of last week all over again: Danni goes to a life drawing class and Jo hosts a dinner party. Stop the press! This week, they’ll probably film someone having to go to the shop for loo roll because they’ve run out, but they buy some milk too so people don’t think they’ve just gone in for that.
11.05pm: We’re reminded for the sixth time that Gary- the new manager- papered over the pink Candy Bar walls with tasteful black applique paper. Who wants to bet the second it gets too hot in there it’ll all peel off, revealing the terror beneath? I hope I’m there when it happens so I can watch Gary’s head explode.
11.06pm: Gazza (I’m sure he won’t mind me calling him that) has hired in celeb chef Jean Christophe Novelli’s daughter Christina to make canapes for the big relaunch he’s planning. She says she likes kissing girls because their skin’s ‘really soft’. Hmm, she’s clearly not met me: I look like Tree Man.
11.10pm: Sandra the promotions manager and the blonde woman with short hair who is also some kind of manager (how many managers does the bar have, for goodness sake. Can I be one?) try to decide which V.I.P.s to invite to the big night. They brainstorm Annie Lennox, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Why aim so low, ladies? I’m pretty sure Barack Obama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Pope are free that night. Unless Keith Chegwin’s having another one of his Scrabble tournaments, of course.
11.13pm: Move over Lady Gaga: Australian Alex has an even more exciting V.I.P. visitor- her mum. Alex takes her to look around London, where she seems to be confused by ambulances. They sensibly retire to a cafe to chat about Alex’s upcoming wedding. Her mum’s supercool, wry and accepting, referring to Alex’s wife-to-be as her ‘other daughter.’ Slightly less coherently, she says that her reaction to Alex coming out was no different to how she’d have reacted if she’d announced she was an architect.
Can I just take this opportunity to admit that…I’m actually a structural engineer.
Phew. You have no idea what a relief it is to get that off my chest.
11.19pm: The Candy Bar are away on a teambuilding day trip to Brighton where they go on rides and eat chips on the beach. Damn, I wish I worked in a bar. The closest I get to teambuilding is when I dress the cat in a little suit, pretend it’s my boss and ask if it wants to go out for payday drinks on a Friday.
He always says no.
11.26pm: As all forty-eight of the Candy Bar Managers (i.e. all the staff) are away playing on the dodgems, it seems the only person left in London is pole dancer Danni, who’s being taught how to pull a pint in an old man pub by Christina Novelli, seemingly on a break from making tiny canapes that look like boobs and vaginas for the launch. It seems the Candy Bar staff aren’t the only ones having ice cream cones today: you could stick a flake in the flagon of ale she just frothed into a glass.
Why she’s in a real ale pub with the daughter of a celebrity chef isn’t explained. Last week Shabby decided that she wanted to be a TV presenter and- lo and behold- she was offered a series about bohemianism. It seems Danni didn’t realise the producers had a magic wand and didn’t set her career goals quite as high- suggesting ‘barmaid’ instead of ‘naked lady photographer astronaut with specific responsibility for looking after space kittens’.
11.28pm: Unsurprisingly, potential teacher Jo has been dumped by the rather lovely blonde lawyer we last saw her shouting at in front of a burlesque club. Despite the fact she’s morphed into a sober-looking education student, evil wizard Gary has managed to lure her back to her old DJing ways: she’ll be playing at the launch and admits she’s hoping to pull some ‘fit women’. I can only assume she’ll be changing out of teacherish cardigan and shirt combo into a tank top, quirky hat, skinny jeans and Converse.
11.37pm: Ah, I see: turns out Christina Novelli works in the pub Danni was pulling pints in earlier. She’s using the back room to do the catering from the Candy Bar and now Natalietwin- or is it Kayleigh? who can tell- has appeared to help her make tiny bagels that make the people eating them feel like a GIANT.
Sorry but does Christina know every single lesbian in Soho? I can only assume Claire Balding, Mary Portas, Pat from Eastenders and Sue Perkins’ll be along in a minute to make some vol-au-vents.
God knows, they’d do a better job than Natalietwin, who seemingly failed to mention to Christina that she didn’t know what an avocado was. Or salmon, for that matter. I’m surprised she isn’t trying to use a miniature bagel as a hipster monocle.
11.40pm: The Candy Bar staff are being sent to a salon to be primped, preened and spray tanned in preparation for the launch by a male hair stylist wearing a bright pink beret and shirt combo. He makes a point of telling Alex he’s a ‘gay man’.
No, really? Next you’ll be telling me Brian Dowling’s a fella-liker too. Or Graham Norton.
Incidentally, if any job of mine told me I had to get a spray tan in order to appear acceptable at work I’d use a highlighter to colour myself in as a form of protest. I’d probably go for green to match Alex’s dubious ‘cocktails’.
11.45pm: Gary’s revamped the bar again in the run up to the press launch. This seems to involve putting up a new sign that just reads ‘Candy’ and underneath ‘Ku Bar Girls’. Hmm, not sure I approve of it being rebranded as a lesser annex to the gay club. And what kind of name is ‘Ku’ anyway? Is it some kind of reference to the Klux Klan? Hmm, Gary’s new paint job is entirely white, come to think of it. *worriedface*
11.50pm: Christina and Natalietwin have somehow managed to create miniature bagels with salmon and avocado despite the latter’s utter inability to correctly identify any of the ingredients. I’m surprised she didn’t attempt to make them into a stylish hat. They transport their precious creations to the Candy Bar only to find there’s no fridge: so they creatively empty the champagne chiller and put the food in there instead.
Because it’s much better to have warm champagne and a chilled bagel than the other way round.
11.55pm: So, I’m sure you’re all waiting with baited breath to see which V.I.P.s show up to the launch. Will it be Angelina Jolie? Hilary Duff? Madonna? Marie Curie? Elvis? Mariah Carey? Oprah?
Here they come! Wow, this is going to be good! Look, it’s…….Shabby.
For once, she’s not dressed as the ghost of the Artful Dodger: she’s wearing tails instead. Which is how you know it’s a Special Occasion. Well, that and the presence of icy-cold salmon based appetizers, obv.
But wait, there are other celebrities appearing! It’s….TV star Lee Baldry, famous for *mutters* and that thing, you know…with the stuff. He makes a lame gag about ‘converting lesbians’ and the temperature in the room drops lower than that of the tiny, icy bagels.
11.57pm: NatalieTwin comes back and, wait, what’s this? She’s attached to DJ Jo’s face. Let’s hope she doesn’t look for culinary expertise in a girlfriend. Everyone declares the night to be a hit and the voiceover announces that it took a ‘gay man with a unique insight into lesbian life’ to make the new look bar a success.
Sorry, hang on: is that the moral of the series? That if you want something doing well, get a man in? Great. Thanks for that.
Although to be fair, having said that I *do* have some shelves I need putting up. And there’s a spider in the bath that I practically class as a flatmate. Please, Lord: send me a man! Not Gary though: he’d just burn all of my Pink CDs.
Well that’s it, chaps! It’s all over, probably (but not definitely) forever. If they don’t recommission the series who’s up for recreating it as a fan made webcam series? We could call it ‘Watching TV Girls’. It could centre around people who quite like a nice cup of tea and a sit down.
Thanks so much for all of your hilarious comments: highlights include Biondino’s: It’s the end of the series and still poor Natalie’s name is invariably prefixed with “newly arrived yokel” , not to mention: “is it just me, or is Gary rubbish at everything? It’s like they gave the Candy Bar to David Brent but forgot the common sense.”
And I leave you with the words on everyone’s lips, and by ‘everyone’ I mean ‘Roszs’: ARHGAGRHHHH I am so glad I never have to watch that again. Celebrity Big Brother will seem an intellectual challenge in comparison.
Night all! *ceremoniously removes all 18 bowler hats*
Read Hilary Wardle’s other Candy Bar Girls episode liveblogs:
Lesbilicious Comedy Review – March 2012
A taster of Lesbilicious Comedy in Newcastle upon Tyne.
May 21, 2012