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FACT: Gaydar was invented by the British in World War II to help lonely soldiers get it on. FACT: not everything you read is true.

Boringly, you can’t actually buy vintage military gaydar rayguns on ebay because they don’t exist. Gaydar is actually an inbuilt sixth sense that gay people supposedly have to be able to detect homo-vibes in others. Does it really exist? Sort of. But just like learning to find enemy submarines with green bleeps, it’s a skill that you develop rather than being born with. Good gaydar is part terrible stereotyping, part women’s intuition, part lucky dip.

Beginner level
To develop your gaydar, start with easy targets. Go to a gay bar and look around at the loudest women. See how the lesbians have their hair cut, what kinds of clothes they wear, what they’re drinking. Now walk away quickly before someone starts a fight with you. The next day when you’re in the supermarket and you see a surly looking girl with short spiky hair wearing a Bench hoody and buying lager, congratulate yourself! You’ve gaydar-ed your first lesbian!

Intermediate level
Rather unhelpfully, many lesbians refuse to stick to the stereotypes of how they should look. So if you spot a potential wearing heels, hair extensions or a frock in a gay club, don’t assume she’s just a faghag. The trick at this point is to look for the finer details. How long are her nails? (As a rule, considerate ladies practicing the sapphic arts tend to keep their fingernails fairly short and clean.) Does her gaze linger on the hot girls or guys on the room? (But don’t be thrown off if it’s both.) What’s her ringtone? (P!nk or Black Eyed Peas is a maybe, Take That is an almost definite no.) And finally, if you catch her eye, does she hold it long enough to decide if you’re hot or not, or does she immediately look away? (Bear in mind that if you’re staring at her with mental eyes and your gaydar turned up full whack this one might not work.)

Advanced Level
So you can spot obvious lezzas in the supermarket, and less obvious lezzas in the gay clubs. Now you’re ready to progress your gaydar skills to identifying lesbians outside of gay places. And, for extra bonus points, it’s about time we notice the often-ignored bisexual girls too. Get ready for the final three secrets to having super-tuned gaydar:

1. Surround yourself with lady-lovin’ ladies. Live with the gays, work with the gays, party with the gays. Make friends with their friends and see as much variation as possible on that beautiful rainbow spectrum.
2. Never assume that anyone is straight. Expect that every woman you meet is a lesbian or bisexual until she proves otherwise. And just so you know, having a boyfriend isn’t adequate proof - just because a bi girls gets a boy doesn’t mean she stops being interested in girls. It just means that she shouldn’t be in their pants.
3. The third and most important secret to find out if someone is One Of Us is: ask. It’s as simple as that. Be polite, and make sure you have a good reason to know (such as wanting to kiss her squishy bits) but that’s really all there is to it. If your gaydar is bleeping and she confirms it, congratulations. And if you follow this guide and your gaydar still gets it wrong… well, you shouldn’t believe everything you read.

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