How to plan a civil partnership: 5 tips for avoiding disaster
May 3rd, 2010
You’ve set the date for your big day. You’ve read all the legal stuff about notifying the registrar, you’ve picked the venue and maybe even trawled through a few of those bridal magazines with endless pictures of ceiling-high cakes and improbably-scaffolded dresses. But how do you make the day right for you? Lorraine Douglas has some tips…
1. Civil partnerships and: vows
If you’ve spoken to your registrar, you will know that the formal part of the civil partnership ceremony is very short and to the point, and that any additional vows will need to be supplied by you. This brings with it the freedom to really make the vows your own. It also brings with it a minefield.
Thinking about the unique mix of family, friends and colleagues who are going to be witnessing your big day - do you really want everyone present to know that you and your beloved refer to each other as Mrs Snugglekittiekins and Sexybuns? You’d be surprised how many people use pet names in their vows without a second thought.
Furthermore, is it really wise to make that speech about the hard times you’ve gone through to get to this day? Everyone present is going to be guessing what these hard times were and, more importantly, which of the other guests they involved. This leads us neatly on to Point 2.
2.Civil partnerships and: exes
If you’re a follower of the traditional lesbian approach, “keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your exes closest of all”, chances are you may need to consider whether to invite exes to your ceremony.
If you and your ex have put it all behind you, are the best of friends and in fact she’s helping your fiancée to pick her outfit, then this may not be much of an issue.
If, however, your ex is likely to down half a litre of gin before announcing to everyone that it should have been the two of you getting married, but that she doesn’t care because you’re heartless, deceitful and rotten in bed anyway, before collapsing in floods of tears and needing to be comforted by your mother, then it may be worth giving the matter some thought.
3.Civil partnerships and: clothes
You’ve probably already got well-formed opinions about whether or not meringue dresses are really “you”. You may even be in the lucky position of knowing exactly what you want to wear to get married. This doesn’t matter.
Every single person you know will have an opinion on what you should be wearing, and everyone will consider it their civic duty to keep you right on this issue. Your friends will stop talking to you about music, politics, TV and fanciable women overnight and will switch into “emergency wedding clothes” mode every time you see them.
You have two options for handling these conversations and remaining sane. You can develop an expression of polite interest as you’re told variously that you need to wear white, wear blue, wear red, wear purple, wear proper shoes with heels, wear comfy shoes as you’ll be on your feet all day, and so on. While showing this polite interest, it is absolutely vital that you don’t let slip anything about what you’re actually planning to wear, as it will be wrong.
Your other option is to cancel all social events, order in six months’ worth of food and refuse to leave the house until the day arrives.
4. Civil partnerships and: family
The issue of family members is one that can cause headache-inducing, endless discussion for even the most traditional couple: if you’re inviting Uncle John, then Aunty Betty will also need to be invited to avoid upsetting Auntie Mavis.
With a civil partnership, not only will family dynamics need to be considered carefully, but family members will also require a lot of information on what your big day actually is, what to call it and what they have to do if they accept your invite.
Those who consider themselves up-to-date will probably already have attended a civil partnership and may refer to it casually as a “C.P.”, while others will mumble oblique references to your “do”.
Only you and your fiancée can decide things like whether or not you want to be “given away” or have bridesmaids, and family members will need to know what’s expected of them. With family, you will have to break your strict code of telling nobody anything about your clothes.
Your mum wants to know if she should buy a suit and, until she knows whether this thing is a wedding or a loose social gathering of people in jeans, she won’t rest.
5. Civil partnerships and: the reception
Now that you’ve sorted out some of the thornier issues of organising your civil partnership, it’s time for the fun stuff, the part of the day when everyone gets to let their hair down and party. However, your work is not yet done and there are still a few things to be considered, such as decorations, favours and music. There are two broad options here, which we’ll call “rainbow” and “other”.
Perhaps your ideal reception involves a room brightly bedecked in rainbow bunting, with multi-coloured candles on the tables, bride and bride figurines on the cake, rainbow bracelets to hand out to your guests and entertainment that includes everything from Dusty Springfield to Steps via “YMCA”.
Or perhaps this sounds like a vision of hell and the above items go a long way to explaining the fact that you didn’t realise you were gay until you were 28.
You’ll be pleased to hear that there really is no right or wrong way of doing things where your reception is concerned; music, food, gifts and table decorations are all up to you, and one or two drinks into the evening everyone will be having a brilliant night anyway. Cheers!
I have been in a co-habituating relationship for 11 years and would never consider entering a civil partnership. Civil partnership is insult, another way to keep you unequal. No person of sound mind, complete within themselves would accept such a slap in the face. Is should be abhorred by the gay population of this country- death before dishonor.
Ray ∼ May 4th, 2010 3:08 pmI’d agree that civil partnership should be called marriage, as it is effectively a civil marriage. I think it is no small matter, though, that we now have the same legal recognition and protection as those in civil marriages, as well as the huge cultural shift that is happening at the same time. It’s not perfect yet, and no doubt the process isn’t finished either, but we can choose whether to benefit along the way or hold out for an ideal.
Lorraine ∼ May 8th, 2010 12:19 pmGosh, that’s a slap in the face for me then. My CP is later this year, and what has surprised me is the number of people who have referred to it as a wedding and are expecting it to follow a traditional wedding format.
The beauty of it is that the day is as fluid as we want it to be.
My partner and I are doing this as a celebration of our love (and to formalise our relationship legally) and certainly do not see it as making us unequal. We’re more unequal remaining as cohabiting partners, in my opinion.
Clearly I am not “of sound mind”.
Perhaps Ray would like to live in any of the following places, and then tell us “death before dishonor”: Iran, Mauritania, Saudi-Arabia, Sudan, United Arab Emirates, Yemen…
Bemused ∼ May 8th, 2010 7:10 pmYes, a civil partnership may be so called, “a slap on the face” but by not making use of it will just make others say that the law wasn’t needed to be made in the first place as obviously it is not important if we dont bother with it.
Homosexuals have fought for this right, and we should take advantage whenever we can. The more people civil partnerships happen, the likelier it will become fairer and become the marriage that it should be.
Alison ∼ May 17th, 2010 3:54 amDeath before dishonor is a bit severe…enjoy the day with your friends and family, eat well, drink well and dance until you drop with all those who you love and love you the most.
Tracey ∼ May 20th, 2010 8:13 pmNice article Lorraine.
I agree that the good thing about Civil Partnerships is that if most of your family haven’t been to one you can do what you like & tell them they’re all like that! We kept it really small (15 including us) which caused a family war which is still ongoing but which gave us the day we want. Totally agree re: the clothes thing. People who would normally not talk to me of such things as they know I’m not interested suddenly couldn’t talk about anything else.
Helen ∼ May 20th, 2010 8:17 pmWe had a lovely day & are very pleased to be married even if the government wants to call it something else!
Great article Lorraine, made me smile. When I find Miss Right I’d love a big do and be recognised, legally and socially, like any other heterosexual couple getting hitched
Have been to a few CPs and receptions, from budget to big bucks dos - all very different to each other but unified by being much more personal, laid back and enjoyable than any straight run-of-the-mill weddings.
I have also wondered about terminology ..do you become married, or civilly partnified, lol? Whatever, it’s great to have the choice to make it legal at last
Louise ∼ May 20th, 2010 10:59 pmLiving in Spain my partner and I can get married with total equality which is nicer than nice!
Jo ∼ May 21st, 2010 8:59 amI think your article is a great, clear and helpful guide Lorraine!
There’s a number of ways of looking at civil partnership in my opinion.
Personally my heart juggles with both the pros and cons of entering into a civil partnership.
The con for me is if the laws aim was to achieve equality as they have so attempted then it should not have been given a total different phrasing to that of a heterosexual couple getting ‘married’.
However, they did, and they even made a whole new act for it, how nice of them. As we are a nation that leads by example it couldn’t have ignored our need to have rights to having a ‘marriage’. The point I’m making here is that with them naming it a C.P although they are giving with one hand, they are still holding on to the view in their mind that it’s not actually equal to that of a heterosexual marriage otherwise they would have made amendments to the old act and given us the same title, marriage.
Now for the pro/s,
I love my partner beyond words can possibly describe and I couldn’t do life without her. The fact that I can legally be recognised and connected to her is something that is priceless. It gives you both the assurance that should something happen to one of you for example, your partner is the one who is involved and recognised.
Although the con is of significance, the question I ask myself is, should I not enter into a C.P. because of it’s name? Every time the answer is the same. I would enter into a C.P every single time when given the option because in my eyes it symbolises my commitment and dedication to my partner and will always be seen as a marriage in my eyes.
Mandy ∼ May 23rd, 2010 11:02 pmIt would seem the jury was still out on the matter of ‘getting hitched’. But if we remember the saying regarding nothing being certain except death and taxes, it would be useful to consult a qualified legal executive regarding drawing up a legally valid will - so that your life partner gets your possessions and your wealth should anything happen to you. As the law stands, especially if you are not in a CP or marriage, the lot goes the family of the deceased.
Ben Franklin ∼ May 28th, 2010 9:24 amWe’re having our civil partenship in dec and can’t wait. It is a chance to show family and friends that this is the real thing. Everyone is looking forward to the day and alot are intriqued as this will be the 1st one they have been to and because we,re keeping plans close to our chests they don,t know what to expect. O a more serious note, in this day and age we need to do this for legal reasons, to secure our finances for each other, as good as the family are with our relationship, no-one knows how they will be when ‘that’ dreadful day comes along in the future.
caroline ∼ June 13th, 2010 11:36 am