Say it to Sappho: “I’m a lesbian, my mum can’t be!”
April 11th, 2008
“Dear Sappho. I am gay and I have been out for 7 years – since I was 18. I always thought I was really lucky because of the support my mum has given me. Despite other members of the family being a bit homophobic my mum has always stuck by me. She is a really cool person and even started coming out with me on the scene every now and again. However, just recently, I have found out that she has been seeing one of my older lesbian mates behind my back…
“I can’t help it but I am so so angry that both of them have lied to me but also that this is even happening. My mum isn’t gay and this woman who I thought was a friend is taking advantage of her. I have been ignoring calls from my mum for about two weeks. I don’t know what to do.” Lani, 25, Manchester
Lani, you aren’t the first person to be found in this situation and you won’t be the last. Let’s start with the things you are damn right about. You are very lucky. The fact that you have had consistent support from your mum, despite homophobia within the family is a blessing. Your mum being cool enough to go out on the scene with you and spend time with you in your little gay world is a special thing that not many gay people will have experienced. It sounds like before now, you have had a great relationship you’re your mum.
I don’t know any of the background of your mum’s relationships but I am assuming she is single and that your issue here is that she is seeing a woman? The fact that you are claiming that your mum isn’t gay leads me to think that you are struggling to accept that your mum, at the very least, isn’t straight. You need to ask yourself why this is. Is it because when you came out you felt special and now someone else is trivialising your plight? Is it because of some deep-rooted internal homophobia that says gay is good enough for you but not good enough for your mum? Would you be ashamed of your mum? Are you struggling, as many people do, to see your mother as a sexual being?
It sounds as though you are victimising your mum by saying she is being taken advantage of. I can’t help but feel that you are saying this because you can’t accept that your mum is making a conscious and proactive choice to have what she wants; which is some level of intimate relationship with another woman. It also sounds like your mum is a strong woman who will stand up for what she believes is right. And I hate to say it, but your mum’s liberal attitude may mean that she has been less than straight for longer than you have been on this earth.
You are understandably upset that you have been lied to. But go easy on your mum and your friend. It sounds as though you have cut them off since you found out which hints that there is a level of justification in them hesitating to talk to you about this. If you want advice on what to do I would say call your mum. Give her an opportunity to talk to you. Remember the support she has given you and don’t waste what sounds like a wonderful mother-daughter relationship because of double-standards.
I think many women might be surprised by their mothers for several reasons - maybe sexuality changes throughout life ?, maybe women growing up in the 50s were uncomfortable about expressing bisexuality and only now feel comfortable to do so ?, maybe some mothers are uncomfortable being open about their sexuality with thier children ? (are they not entitled to some privacy even ?).
I would definitely agree that mothers are entitled to some privacy from their children. I suppose it depends on the precedent already set within a given parent/child relationship. I think for Lani, there is definitely an understandable feeling of rejection because of the fact that it is her friend that her mum has become involved with.
I also agree that sexuality, for some people, will change considerably throughout their lives.
Thanks for the comment!