Lesbian Bed Death: a self-inflicted curse?
June 7th, 2009
Lesbian Bed Death (LBD), the three words which strike fear into all of our hearts, writes Faith Bosworth.
Don’t deny it, when you hear someone else’s tragic tale of steamy nights reduced to spooning in front of the telly, you start to look for signs that LBD might just be infecting your own relationship and quickly resolve to nip it in the bud by buying nipple tassels or a Tantric sex guide.
You’re not alone. Just last year, a study in the Netherlands revealed that 76% of lesbians (of all ages) claimed to have experienced LBD at some point in their lives (van Romalen-Nooijens 2008). Is there any truth to this phenomenon and how did it emerge?
Like too many evils of this world, it was ‘discovered’ in the eighties. It was in 1983 when sociologist-cum-sexologist, Pepper Schwartz, looking to make a name for herself as a risqué academic, decided to cast her eye to the dark underbelly of sexual deviance in America. She was sure she would find rampant sex fests and all sorts of wild antics ensuing while the straights went about watching Dallas and colour-coding their wardrobes.
You can only imagine poor Pepper’s disappointment when she discovered that lesbians were, in fact, engaging in far less sexual activity than their straight counterparts and obviously their gay ones too (not that she’d expected any less, she’d seen those dirty boy mags, she knew they were a libidinous bunch).
This initiated a flurry of research interest and loads of other respected people with PhDs confirmed that it was true, lesbians weren’t getting any. At all. Less than any other creatures on the planet, even earth worms and sea lice. It was deduced that this was obviously a problem specific to the lesbian population, and was heretofore labelled ‘bed death’, chalked up next to all the other afflictions we maladjusted folk are prone too.
So, yeah, thanks Pepper and the gang, you did a brilliant job confirming what everyone had suspected all along. Lesbians are just frigid spinsters who either can’t get a man or are scared of men and just want to live with their best friends. Just like Fried Green Tomatoes
Women have lower libidos than men anyway, don’t you know? Lesbians only have sex about as often as straight women would if they thought their men would allow it. We were made for nurturing and men for shagging. That’s why the female egg just sits around and waits, during the reproductive process, while the heroic sperm swims that treacherous journey to get to it.
Here’s an idea, maybe we could actually just stop calling them lesbians, maybe they’re just asexual? Or freaks? That’s what we used to call them before anyway. And give it a few decades and we’ll be all but extinct.
Am I being overly dramatic? Perhaps, but I worry about the ideas that we perpetuate about ourselves. Society largely believes that we don’t really have sex anyway and if we do it couldn’t possibly touch ‘the real thing’. Just the other day someone told me rather smugly that even though I’d never had sex with a man, she didn’t consider me a virgin. Ah, thanks?
Libido levels are not the same for everyone, and can be affected by all sorts of things like work and financial stress (now with the credit crunch in full swing you have a good excuse!).
And there’s nothing wrong with taking a break from the physical side of things for a while says sex-counsellor, Cheryl Banks: “The belief that a relationship is only healthy if regular sex is involved is problematic. There are no hard and fast rules, so as long as both partners are happy, who cares if the relationship goes through sex-free moments?”.
I twittered LizzytheLezzy, the fictional cartoon-queen on lesbianism (if you haven’t watched her videos yet, do it, they are hilarious www.lizzythelezzy.com) and she had this to say about the dilemma: “Look, just coz we’re not having sex doesn’t mean I love you any less. relationships aren’t only about sex you know! Geez!” Shame, maybe I hit a nerve.
Lizzy definitely has a point though, we needn’t make such a hoohah out of something that most likely occurs in all relationships - not just lesbian ones.
I’m not advocating celibacy here, I’m just suggesting that next time the passion wanes, you try to deal with it properly instead of blaming it on your sexual orientation.
Maybe you’re having a dry spell and you’ll get through it or maybe your relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on (I’m sure you can still stay best friends). But it doesn’t do any good to run around shouting about a ‘disease’.
I don’t need to remind you what they did to the lepers…
Straight people complain about dry spells ALL the time. We have those stupid commercials about Erectile Dysfunction all up in our TVs.
But lesbians do make a lot of mistakes that lead to “bed death.” Like sharing too much. Don’t share your shampoo and soap. It will make you smell alike, and that’s weird. Don’t share your clothes…and for godsake don’t share your underwear. Don’t be in the bathroom together unless you’re having shower sex. What I mean is, don’t go use the toilet while your girlfriend is brushing her teeth. Don’t sleep together naked unless you’re going to actually do something. All this stuff kills mystery that caused the initial attraction.
Michelle ∼ June 8th, 2009 1:03 amSuch good advice!!
Faith Bosworth ∼ June 8th, 2009 10:50 amme and my girlf of 3 years do ALL of those mistakes :(
except the clotheds - she wouldn’t be able to get in my bra in a million years!
Marie-Ann ∼ June 8th, 2009 11:11 amI think the soap and shampoo one is a really good point - it’s something you would never really consider because if you live together you will automatically just share soap but straights wouldn’t necessarily what with all those his and hers aisles in boots and superdrug.
Faith Bosworth ∼ June 8th, 2009 11:27 amBut I love sleeping naked with my girl friend! That’s the best part, even if there’s no ‘action’!
i think what’s more important is to find exciting and adventurous activities, positions and locations instead of sticking to the same old boring vanilla stuff… and yes you’re absolutely right - ’straight-bed-death’ happens ALL the time so i dont see what all the fuss is about!
Jay ∼ June 8th, 2009 12:04 pmGood read. I’ll never subscribe to the faulty notion that women have lower sex drives than men. It’s like comparing apples and organges, not even going so far as to differentiate the reasons and ways men seek sex as opposed to women, who are more nurturing and prefer romance and intimacy over straight sex (wham, bam, thank you Maam). In any case, all couples gay and straight experience this which is why I consider the word ‘lesbian bed death’ such a misnomer, not exactly inaccurate, but not representative of the bigger sexual relationship picture.
I did a blog on this very subject last week titled: Much Ado About Lesbian Bed Death, might want to check it out in your spare time; tips for recovery included from personal experience. http://studwithswag.com/?p=1238
knowledge ∼ June 8th, 2009 12:43 pmMystery is definitely important.
Also, setting the scene: things like: candles, perfume, romantic music, massage oil, sexy nightie/pajamas And get one of those nifty books like Lesbian Sex 101 lovemaking positions, now that really is a handy book.
Rory ∼ June 9th, 2009 12:35 amgawd, who’s got time for all of that?
Faith Bosworth ∼ June 9th, 2009 8:44 pmmore of @wham, bam, thank you mam’ kind of girl then?
liverbird ∼ June 9th, 2009 8:49 pmyeah, zipless if possible.
Faith Bosworth ∼ June 9th, 2009 9:35 pmYou make some very good points, but what about those 76% who claim to experience LBD? We can normalize it by calling it a “lull” but how does that help couples get the passion back in their relationships?
Based on the number of letters I receive from women whose sex lives have turned unsatisfactory, I know this is a real issue. Maybe it’s not strictly a lesbian issue, but regardless, it is one I want to help couples with.
If we deny it’s a problem, then we aren’t putting energy into a solution.
Kathy Belge ∼ June 10th, 2009 8:01 pmHave we really looked into LBD? Women’s libidos need to be turned on. Men are usually always on. Straight women constantly complain they don’t get foreplay.
I bet if we looked into straight long-term couples who have more sex, the guy would be happy but the woman would have LBD, though she was having sex.
So maybe LBD occurs because many don’t realize we need to to turn ourselves on.
Rory ∼ June 11th, 2009 4:22 amRory I’m confused, what do you mean? We need to put more effort into foreplay? But if she’s not in the mood, she’s just not in the mood you know? How do you change that?
Faith Bosworth ∼ June 15th, 2009 12:37 pmAh, Faith, a lot of women aren’t in the mood as they carry the day’s baggage with them…I think some women will need a ‘date night’ where you create a habit of giving time to being with your partner in a romantic way.
Rory ∼ June 17th, 2009 6:13 amSort of reprogramming yourself;-)
Some very interesting and insighful opinions expressed there, thank you for sharing.
swastiget ∼ June 17th, 2009 8:27 amThe girl on the left is really cute. But the one on the right looks scarily similar.
sandrine ∼ June 19th, 2009 11:57 pmThat’s another article which deserves to be written, lesbian mergence. Have you noticed how many couples start to look alike after they have been going out for a while? It’s like we got the idea that Tegan and Sara are the template lesbian couple (even though they’re sisters) and we try to copy it. Couples start dressing the same, dying their hair the same colour… I guess it goes back to all that sharing!
eyeful ∼ June 21st, 2009 8:51 amReally? Are you joking? Is it like that in their family?
sandrine ∼ June 22nd, 2009 2:18 amNo! That’s how rumours start ha ha. I was just referring to them looking alike and both being lesbian!
eyeful ∼ June 22nd, 2009 10:09 amstraight couples merge too though! mergence is anb all couples thing.
bab ∼ August 20th, 2009 6:28 amthank you article, it’s been over 4 years now and this gives me somewhere to start.
fire ∼ October 2nd, 2009 3:29 pmAs a straight man, I admit that I only read this article out of shock and a little morbid curiosity:
“Lesbian Bed Death, A Self-Inflicted Curse?”
What the Hell!!!???
But once I realised what the author was actually talking about; the fact that NO human being in a sexual relationship can keep up their full tilt, full power, red hot maximum pace, I did feel that yes, she was being over-dramatic, if not out-right Heterophobic.
Just because a quack academic in the 1980’s sought to make a dubious name for herself, please do not assume that we all believe, or have ever even HEARD of this labelling, Homophobic B.S. And also, please don’t apply your own labels etc to Heterosexual couples in the same boat.
“The 30 day relationship rule.” ~ Pyrates.
“You loose interest in having sex with each other after about two…days!” ~ David Baddiel.
Sometimes my girlfriend and I both go at it like rabbits, then months pass because we’re both far too busy to feel horny.
“Straight Bed Death?” I think not.
James Uscroft ∼ October 2nd, 2009 7:25 pmlet’s don’t get ahead of yourself my friend maybe you should do some straight research first…
there’re are many straight relationships that have ended after long lengths with no sex…
it’s talked about all the time so i think SBD still stands.
part of the problem is that people in general rush into relationships w/o going through the proper relationship steps first…they share, kiss, touch and have sex way too fast before letting intimacy develope in a natural way.
fay ∼ October 4th, 2009 11:25 pmThere is no such thing as SBD, because men’s sexdrives never quit as long as he is healthy (the guy above obviously is not). Women’s sex drives decline in any secure relationship. Men in these relationships either press the issue, cheat, or turn to porn.
Dr. Love ∼ October 14th, 2009 3:04 am“men’s sexdrives never quit as long as he is healthy (the guy above obviously is not). Women’s sex drives decline in any secure relationship. Men in these relationships either press the issue, cheat, or turn to porn.”
All 3 assertions may be true for some relationships and not for others. I’ve known perfectly healthy men whose libidos have tailed off, women whose libidos have grown (usually because they’ve got over the nervousness they used to feel and are more at ease with themselves), and men whose reaction to a female partner losing interest has been to support her and go to couples counselling to see if there are underlying emotional issues that need resolution, or if it’s about a lifestyle change.
K ∼ October 14th, 2009 2:53 pmWell… I’m a woman and my sex drive is always on - I am always horny, always ready to go. I’ve also been in a monogamous relationship with another woman for a matter of years. And I’ve know men for whom sex drives tapered off with time within relationships.
People are all different. Seriously people, can’t we figure this out on our own?
Some stranger ∼ April 7th, 2010 9:42 am