Say it to Sappho: “Why does my girl want strap-on sex?”
March 14th, 2008
“I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months and it’s going really well, but I know she really wants to buy a strap on dildo and I really don’t want to. I don’t understand why she wants to pretend to be a man (or worse, wants me to pretend to be a man!). Does this mean that she’s not really gay? Or does it mean that she wants a sex change? Please help!” Dong-less in London
Are you sat comfortably? Close your eyes, breathe in deeply and out slowly and relax. I want you to imagine a world in which a length of silicone does not have to represent a penis. A world where lesbians are allowed to enjoy penetration and penetrating… a world where one’s sexuality or gender is not put into question for enjoying particular sexual acts…
Take away the idea that a dildo is a penis and what have you got? A woman who enjoys being fucked by, or fucking, another woman. It isn’t necessary for you to project gender onto sexual acts; you’re just making life more difficult for yourself. However, what I will say is that if you’re not into strap-on sex, that’s okay, it’s your preference. But be honest with her; it’s great that she has been honest with you about what she does want.
Now, if she does want to pretend to be a man, or wants you to, then that is a bit more interesting, but, let’s not go there until you have had that important conversation with your lady friend. And by the way, it sounds as though she is very gay.
With love, Sappho x
Do you have a question about sex or relationships that you’d like uber-lesbian Sappho to answer? Write to Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk. Please include a name and a location with your question.
You know what we need more dildos that dont actually resemble a penis. Even the rampant rabbit has a bell end. I would like a dildo that comes in the form of an actual bunny please. Bunny down my pants!
Stanley ∼ March 17th, 2008 7:51 pmThat new study about finding the g-spot seems appropriate to mention here. Some women like pentetrative sex because they orgasm that way. It doesn’t mean she wants a man, it means she wants a mind-blowing orgasm that her partner gives her. The fact that she wants to buy toys for this purpose is telling. She isn’t going out to meet a man to give her pleasure. She’s asking her partner. Whether she’s fantasizing about a man is a whole other issue but…
I agree with Sappho, I’d say she’s still very gay.
Marissa ∼ March 25th, 2008 12:51 pmOh Poor you ( the one with penis phobia) I agree with Sappho get past the gender/penis issue and a toy becomes a toy whether it’s a rabbit shape or a dildo shape. Without being too candid I know a friend who had similar issues but now…the issues are no more. The main thing is that you are both communicating your anxieties and worries or wishes and needs. Good luck
Liz ∼ April 25th, 2008 7:11 pmBought the best double ended the otherday, strapless strap-on. Gets you both at the same time, you don’t have to faf with doing up straps etc, doesn’t kill the moment!! Plus doesn’t look like a penis at all! It’s called the ‘Feeldoe’. Try it, it’s amazing!!
Claire ∼ June 4th, 2008 1:15 pmI have a question/problem. I’m a married bisexual guy, and for some reason I really enjoy this blog. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because it’s refreshing to read about girls that are open-minded about sex and sexual orientation. BTW I am out to my wife. My question is: am I welcome here, or am I trespassing? I don’t want to be perceived as a creepy voyeuristic peeping-tom! I thought maybe this site is just for girls but I’ve seen several other posts from guys.
I think the feeldoe looks like a great invention. I’d buy one for my wife if I thought she’d be willing to peg me with it, but I’m quite sure she wouldn’t. I wonder if it might be even more stable and thrustworthy if it also had a knob to anchor it in one’s ass?
richard ∼ July 12th, 2008 3:06 pmHi Richard. Yes you are welcome here, you’re not trespassing!
Everything on this site is aimed at lesbian/bisexual women, but that’s not to say that they’re the only ones welcome here. We also have a fair few straight women and straight/gay/bi men who are regular readers, and that’s absolutely fine.
In fact, sometimes I wish we could get more homophobic straight people reading what we have to say, in the hope that we might help change their viewpoints!
Re the sex toy topic… ‘I’d buy one for my wife if I thought she’d be willing to peg me with it’ - LOL! Good luck mate ;-)
Milly ∼ July 18th, 2008 2:52 pmI’m 16 and I’m a lesbian. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for 5 months and she told me that we’re going to use a strap on sooner or later. I personally don’t like penatration but my girlfriend seems to enjoy it very much. I’ve never given or recieved strap-on sex, so I don’t know if she’d enjoy it or not. Also, why would she ask me to use a strap on? I just need some advice, Thanks!
lalalala. ∼ January 14th, 2009 7:33 pmI love a strap on because a guy comes too soon and then pulls out. I want to experience that penetration for more than a few minutes.
bigarter ∼ March 1st, 2009 8:14 pmThis is a really old question that sparks a lot of debate
Personally I find this relates to a puritanist view of lesbianism being something that rejects all sex acts related to penetration.
I think a lot of the pleasure derived apart from a physical sense is playing with gender and identity roles for a lot of women. This queer and gender identity is seen in the fundamentals of gay culture and lesbian pride to me rather than a woman being secretly interested in hetrosexual acts in my opinion.
Penetrative sex is a personal choice among gay women but to suggest that any woman who enjoys getting off on anything other than being masturbated and oral by women isnt a lesbian is quite a put down the rest of the queer community who very much consider themselves to be gay on an account of the love of women over penetration
onewaymirror ∼ March 17th, 2009 3:53 pmI am, and have only always been, a lesbian, and I am middle aged. I have no, zero, zip, desire to have sex with biological men. I love penetrative sex with my gf. And her desire to fuck me (as a man) and my desire to be fucked by her (as a woman) are related to fluid gender identities and NOT fixed in biology. It feels good to me, and feels good to her. Again, I am 100% lesbian, and 100% queer, I enjoy sex as a femme with my butch lover, and penetrative sex is only one of the many ways we creatively express our love for each other. No shame, no rules, just love.
Good luck with your gf. I strongly suggest you work on your communication skills and talk about your hesitations and desires. Sex is communication, after all.
Dish ∼ March 28th, 2009 1:03 pmhi, my gf and i have been together for a year and four months i am 16 and not a virgin and i want her to use a strap on on me at first she was hesitant then agreed now when it actually came down to looking to buy one she totally flaked like me and her have watched porn together and she is uncomfortable just to look at strap ons with me ..what kinda shit is that?
claudia ∼ April 26th, 2009 4:56 am