Say it to Sappho: how can I make my girlfriend come?
March 20th, 2009 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. I am really quite embarrassed to admit this but I can’t make my girlfriend have an orgasm with me. I am really not used to this! She says that she has had orgasms in the past with other girlfriends. She also says she has no problem making herself come through masturbation. But for some reason it just isn’t happening with me. We have only been sleeping together for a month but I haven’t had the same problem. I don’t know if it is psychological or physical, but it is really frustrating! Please give me some good advice.” Anon, 30, Liverpool
There are a number of factors that will be contributing to your girlfriends inability to have an orgasm with you. Note that I have said ‘your girlfriends inability’… not your inability to give her an orgasm.
We can eliminate the possibility that the issue is physiological for your girlfriend. If she has been able to orgasm in the past with other partners and if she can bring herself to orgasm, this is surely positive. It is also positive that you have started talking about this openly. However, I would have to ask if you have talked about it enough and in an appropriate fashion.
Your email seems slightly frantic. You also seem to have one goal in mind and the consequence of not achieving that goal for you is a feeling of inadequacy. There is probably therefore a growing snowball of pressure in your sexual relationship at the moment. You might want to consider getting out of bed, taking off the sweat bands, making yourself and cuppa and sitting down to have a word with yourself. This is not a competition.
When you have calmed down and stopped taking this personally, you will be ready to engage in some useful and productive communication with your girlfriend. You are obviously very keen to please. She may see this as a vulnerability and therefore be scared to be honest with you about why the sex isn’t working for her. Your priority should be to make her feel comfortable enough to be able to be honest with you about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what she wants more of. Your priority is not your own ego (that will happen as a positive side-effect of taking Sappho’s good advice).
Things should improve when you feel like having sex with each other because you want each other, and not because you want to make her orgasm. Encourage your girlfriend, in advance, to give you as much guidance as she needs to. You need to be open to picking up on all of those hints, rather than storming in with all your old tricks (they may have worked on your exes but that doesn’t mean they will work with her).
If all else fails, do the girl a favour and break up with her.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
Wow. I am very impressed, Sappho, with your willingness to add the final caveat.
Festering low self-esteem or bitterness and resentment (she won’t come for me, I can’t make her come, I can’t come for her, she can’t make me come) about sex can destroy a relationship. Sex is a form of communication, and if you can’t talk about it or resolve it in a way that is mutually and purely satisfying, it’s time to hang it up and find two other girls to make happy (new partners for each of you) than to keep two girls plainly miserable.
Bravo, Sappho.
Dish ∼ March 28th, 2009 1:50 pm