Say it to Sappho: She can’t be with me because I can’t come out
May 22nd, 2009
“Dear Sappho. I am gay and have been seeing my girlfriend for over 3 years. We really love each other but we are going to have to finish our relationship because of me. I come from a very religious (Christian Orthodox) family and I haven’t been able to come out. This has become too much for my girlfriend. She can’t cope with being ‘denied’ and keeping so many secrets. I also haven’t been able to come out to friends because of family connections. I feel like I am having to choose between her and my family. I just can’t do this and even though I love her I can’t carry on like this because I know she deserves better. I just feel so trapped and depressed and can’t ever see things being any better. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I think I need help - where can I go?” Anon, 30
It’s funny how a lot of people think it is easy to be gay in this day and age. You are just one example of how this isn’t necessarily true, even in the UK.
The way I see it, there are two barriers to you being happy. The first barrier is external; the apparent beliefs and attitudes held by your family. The second barrier is internal; your own feelings about yourself, how you measure your own happiness and where you place your own happiness in your list of priorities.
I believe that both of these internal and external factors can be worked on and can potentially change - even within your family. But in order to do anything about your family, you really need to do some work on yourself. You need to actually believe that you should be able to love who you love, regardless of their gender. You also need to believe that regardless of your sexuality, you are still the same daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece etc and you are still a valuable member of your family.
You have been with your girlfriend for a long time and it is no surprise that the stresses and pressures of secrecy have become too much for your relationship to bear. She is obviously at a point where she wants to live her life how she chooses without having to constantly be aware of who might find out what. She must be struggling with not being a part of some major aspects of your life.
It would make a massive difference to your girlfriend to know if your current situation is part of a journey for you, or if this is how you plan for things to be forever. If she knows that you do have plans to come out because you don’t want to carry on living the way you have been, she will have some hope and supporting you through this time will be meaningful for her future.
If you have no intention of coming out, or if you are at a point where you really don’t know what you are going to do, you might want to consider space. You are obviously very vulnerable right now and the pressure of making someone else happy, whilst trying to make some of the biggest decisions of your life, probably won’t help you, or her.
I think you are right that you would benefit from some support; objective, non-judgmental support. It would probably be a great help for you to meet some people who have faced similar challenges in their own lives. There are some amazing services around the UK which offer support to lesbian and bisexual women. These services exist precisely because it really isn’t always easy to be a lesbian or bisexual woman.
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard
Manchester Lesbian Community Project
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
Samaritans have also really upped their game in regards to queer and trans callers, and can provide a good listening ear without giving advice. Their webpages give really good information about emotional health which is well worth reading: http://www.samaritans.org/your_emotional_health/feeling_low.aspx
If you think it would be helpful to talk to other lesbian, bi, and gay Christians, the Lesbian & ay Christian Movement has lots of resources, and may well be able to help you come to grips with your faith and your family’s attitudes: http://www.lgcm.org.uk
k ∼ May 22nd, 2009 1:16 pmI can completely relate to and understand the type of back ground you came from.
What works for me is, I am always myself, and I reach out and show love to them, and even though at first they didn’t react well to me, its hard to resist liking someone who is warm, open, and obviously loves themselves.
Win them over, let yourself shine, and treat them with sensitivity and they will return it for the most part.
hansallyo ∼ September 19th, 2009 10:05 pm