Say it to Sappho: She flirts with other women when I’m there
August 21st, 2009 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend flirts with other people when I am there. I get annoyed and jealous and feel like I am a complete idiot - I can’t enjoy nights out when things like this happen. We always end up having a big argument. She says it is harmless and that she wants to be with me but I feel like if she really got the chance she would leave me for someone better looking. Should I get counselling - I really don’t want it to bother me that she flirts with other people. Please help, I don’t want us to break up.” Anon, 20, Sheffield
Is the issue here that she is flirting with other people in front of you, or that she is flirting with other people?
I’ll be honest. You aren’t the only ‘complete idiot’ in this situation. She is an idiot too. What she doesn’t realise is that in being so disrespectful to you in public, other people will be making judgements about her, and about your relationship. I am probably not telling you anything new in saying that you are an idiot too. Letting someone disrespect you like that once is one thing, but letting it go on and on is another.
I know some readers will think I’m being a bit harsh on you. I don’t mean to be. But you do need to get a back bone. Because if you don’t, you will repeat this pattern in other relationships. You will allow people to walk all over you and make you feel not good enough to be with them. But you are good enough. You need to know that before anyone else will.
So to my original question. Would you mind if she was flirting with other women when you weren’t there? There is no right and wrong answer - there is only what is acceptable to you, in your relationships. If it makes you feel hurt, jealous and not good enough, then it’s not acceptable, is it? Either you need to change how you feel, or your partner needs to change her behaviour. That’s a balance you will have to strike together.
On a postitive note, you have at least told her how you feel. Now that the ball is in her court, what is she going to do with the information? If she is asking you to just accept her behaviour, then you need to ask yourself if that is something you can live and want to live with.
Do you have a sex or relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
my ex girlfriend used to do that to me all the time, then accuse me of being paranoid. It kills your confidence and you should dump her, she wont change. My ex gf went on to treat her next gf the same way, so they wont change x
Lesbian in Glasgow ∼ August 21st, 2009 6:56 pmUm seriously?
Some people are just really outgoing!
I guess if it bothers you they should respect you.
But ideally I’d love to have a girlfriend like that, that way we could both just be our outgoing selves.
hansallyo ∼ September 19th, 2009 9:16 pmi think the key issue is that you dont like it. I will happily flirt with anyone, regardless of gender, age or preference - but not if it makes my GF uncomfortable. If she is ok with it, then it is fun for both of us.If not- it stops. end of
s ∼ November 17th, 2009 3:22 pmI have the same issue with my girl and i am tired of it! will be breaking things off soon due to several issues on both our side. That’s the way life goes sometimes.
Nt ∼ December 26th, 2009 8:44 pm