Say it to Sappho: My girlfriend is tight
September 4th, 2009
“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend is really tight and it’s becoming embarrassing. Last week I invited some friends over and she tried to ask them to pay for their part of the meal (I had bought the food and wine which had come to £40). I hadn’t even asked her to contribute. Needless to say we ended up arguing and I doubt my friends will want to come round for dinner again (I wouldn’t want to!). My girlfriend doesn’t think this is unreasonable and I am sick of this kind of thing happening. She is very quick to tell me if I owe her money but I never do the same to her. Advice?” Bobby, 31, Wales
You both obviously have very different values when it comes to money and sharing. You are kind, she is selfish. Some would argue you are the perfect match. A giver and a taker. I would argue differently; finish it.
If you stay in the relationship you need to be more assertive when it comes to finances. Don’t let yourself be taken for granted. If she owes you money, make sure you get it back. She also has no right to undermine you in front of your friends. Set clear boundaries regarding your financial responsibilities i.e. make sure she knows when it’s her place to have a say.
Do you know what the issues around her attitude towards money are? Is she struggling? It could be that stress is affecting her and that is why she is being such an idiot about you spending money on other people. If you want to be with her you need to get to the bottom of this. It may be that being more open and making financial decisions together will make her feel more secure about money and less likely to freak out.
I am sure your friends will come round again, especially if you spend £40 on every meal. Good luck!
Do you have a sex or relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
How invested are you in this relationship? Is it a partnership you’re hoping will last over the long-haul? Because, if this is a relationship you DON’T want to just dump, it’s worth exploring the reasons for her behaviour.
I’ve a friend whose parents lurched from financial crisis to financial crisis, leading her to fear lack of money above all. But it’s not actually the hard cash that’s the issue - cash came to symbolise stability, security, and even love (no cash = parental arguments and the kind of frazzled inability to concentrate on kids that children interpret as withdrawal of love). She began to recognise the problems it was causing, and went for counselling. In only a few sessions, she’d come to the realisation that it was all about faulty logic from her early childhood continuing into adulthood, as if she’d continued to believe in monsters under the bed.
If you’re sufficiently interested in keeping the relationship alive, explaining that her attitude to money is so alienating that it’s threatening your love, and asking if she will consider counselling could be a good choice. Relate work on a sliding scale, and you don’t have to both go.
K ∼ September 7th, 2009 4:50 pm