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“Dear Sappho. I broke up with my ex months ago but I am still not over her. I know that she will be out on the scene every Saturday night and it kills me just knowing where she is and what she is doing, or might be doing.

I still want to be with her but she doesn’t want to be with me. As cliched as it sounds I really can’t eat or sleep and I really do have a horrible pain in my heart that I can’t make go away. Is this ever going to stop?” Heartbroken, 23, Edinburgh

It sounds as though it might take some time for that pain to stop.

You are obviously grieving the loss of your girlfriend in a really big way. Those feelings of loss can be similar to when someone close to you dies and some people would even say that the end of a relationship can be worse; that person is still around, living their life, and doing it all without you.

It is always more difficult when that person is still on your radar. This can be compounded when you live in smaller cities with small gay scenes and small gay communities. You always have an awareness of where that person might be, or where you might cross paths with them. It can therefore be extremely difficult to forget and let go.

I am not sure you can speed up the recovery of your broken heart but there are plenty of ways to make sure you look after yourself in the meantime and avoid any further damage. For example, finding a rebound girlfriend probably won’t help - it will just delay you dealing with the real issues and probably lead to another break up. Here are some tips on how to help yourself go through the pain in a healthy way:

1) Recognise the things that you enjoy doing and then do them as much as possible. This doesn’t include resorting to drugs and alcohol. If you find that you are relying on drugs and alcohol to feel better you might want to consider getting some extra support.

2) Take comfort in your friends and family. Focus on the positive relationships in your life. Talk about how you feel with someone who is non-judgemental and understanding.

3) Treat yourself. New clothes, good food, lot’s of fun!

4) Remember that your ex-girlfriend is a human being with imperfections. Get her off that pedestal.

5) Encourage yourself to have mini-crushes. Innocent attractive distractions won’t do you any harm.

6) Finally, you need to fully accept that it is actually over. No more hoping and wondering; you need to want to be over it and only then will you have a chance of getting yourself out of the other end of the tunnel.

Break-ups can really hurt. Sometimes the people around us get impatient and sick of hearing about it. It can therefore be difficult to get adequate support. Relate offer great relationship counselling and are worth considering if you find yourself unable to manage relationship difficulties.

Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

Posted in: Sex & Relationships |