Say it to Sappho: Do I turn them straight?
December 24th, 2009 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. I am worried that I turn my girlfriends straight! I have had five relationships and four of my exes have ended up with fellas. Could it be something I’m doing? I never considered myself as particularly butch, but do you think I might need gender counselling? D Clarke, Herts
Sexuality and gender are a complicated concepts. There is no right and wrong or ‘normal’. They are constructed of a combination of biological feelings and learnt perceptions.
You cannot be responsible for someone else’s life choices. It is unlikely that you were the sole cause of the actions of your exes. If you are on good terms with them maybe they could explain better how they feel, but be careful not to be accusing.
If you are worried about your own feelings then maybe you would consider counselling. You can access one through your GP or sometimes they are available through work or local charities such as LGBTQ organisations or women’s centres. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) can put you in touch with private counselling which can cost between £20-£40 a session.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
You could simply have dated 4 bis (who’s luck just had them with men in the end) or 4 “bi”s, whatever their reason being (eg, my first turned out to be a fool who went with the femmnazi idea that lesbianism is a political stand rather than a valid sexuality)
Eth ∼ December 25th, 2009 10:18 amOmg!! Every time I hear this I think the same thing..
The girls you have dated are either bisexual and refer to themselves as gay or lesbian
OR they were never gay to begin with..( and know in the URBAN lesbian community as “dick dyes”)So women dont view women that are masculine as women….seriously..Im a femme but Im always the dominant one.. and I heard it before..so look out for that too
First of all if your “masculine” there’s nothing wrong with that but there’s a WWWHHHHOOOOLLLEEE lot of different types of masculine lesbian women.. and you show first figure out what type you are?? (Stud, dominant femme,soft stud, tomboy femme, butch,etc) So figure that out first before you get into another relationship..
and since Ive been doing this for sooooo long the best advice I would give you if your unsure is put the women your involved with through some test if your unsure( and of course shes worth all the trouble)
1st find out how many masculine women she has dated in her past.. but 9 times out 10 if she only dates masculine women she really likes men…and EVENTUALLY she will go back to me( think about it a women; a woman that dates a women that dresses, acts and always wants her women to use a strap….sssooo whats the difference between her and a man) nothing really… so think about that… im not saying if she has that in her track record she does…but if she does..be careful
also if she wants to call you her man and her husband DEFINITELY say away from that..unless that the kinda stuff your into but then you have to re-evaluate yourself and she if you really want to be “into” that type of stuff…
it also could be your sex…I know alot of people will read this and laugh BUT SEX is a BIG part of a lesbian relationship..women are naturally nurturing creatures..so maaayyybe you might need to step your game up in the bedroom…. read some books and get some type of technique… but as I always say the only way you can be the best is PRACTICE,PRACTICE,PRACTICE, PRACTICE…practice definitely makes perfect..I know…:)….
Just work on yourself first and ask questions.. you should be fine…
Thats my little input…
-KarmaJ.
Urbanlesbianblog.spaces.lives.com coming soon
Karma. ∼ December 27th, 2009 4:40 amWhen you say they’ve “ended up with” men… how do you know? Do you mean these are permanent, cast-iron guaranteed to last forever relationships; do you mean that they’ve been exclusively dating men (as far as you know) since your relationships with them ended; or do you mean that the last you saw of them they were dating men?
It’s possible that they were bi. It’s possible that they were doing the same exploration of their sexualities that you did to confirm your orientation, but in their cases they discovered they were straight. Or they could be lesbians who were struggling with being out and ran back into the closet when they were going through hard emotional times (in which case, they may stay there or come out).
The point is that a) you don’t know what was going on emotionally for them, b) you don’t know how they’re identifying right now, and c) you don’t know that their relationships with men are forever.
What’s in your sphere of knowledge and control is you, your thought processes, and your behaviour. Concentrate on being the happiest, healthiest, most responsible and joyful you. Your exes are not you, reflections of you, or in any way able to define you. Be well, be happy, be yourself.
K ∼ December 28th, 2009 9:38 pmAgree with K. In response to arma, you don’t need to try and find and specific term to try and fit into. You don’t need to label yourself. Nor does it sound as if you need any form of counselling.
And there is EVERY difference between a woman who is what society sees as ‘masculine’ and a man!!
Just be yourself and don’t worry what ur exes are doing!
Bex ∼ December 29th, 2009 6:16 pm“1st find out how many masculine women she has dated in her past.. but 9 times out 10 if she only dates masculine women she really likes men…and EVENTUALLY she will go back to me( think about it a women; a woman that dates a women that dresses, acts and always wants her women to use a strap….sssooo whats the difference between her and a man) nothing really… so think about that… im not saying if she has that in her track record she does…but if she does..be careful”
- This entire paragraph contributes to waaaay too many stereotypes set for lesbians to be ignored. If a woman likes masculine women, she’s gay. If a woman likes feminine women, she’s gay. What you, Karma, need to realize that at the end of every label I named, there is the word “WOMAN”. Whatever “type” of lesbian she is attracted to, she is attracted to women.
As far as D’s problem goes, you’ve probably just dated four bisexual women. Or, possibly, after dating you these women REALIZED they were straight. Sexual orientations don’t just change.
Naomi ∼ December 30th, 2009 9:55 amwell said Naomi I wanted to say something similar but couldn’t think how to put it.
Masculine women are still women if they self define as such.
Bex ∼ December 31st, 2009 3:47 pm2 ALL THE COMMENTS ABOVE:
I dont care if what I said dont sit with YALL well imma tell it like it is..women who date women like I described are dick dykes…so too bad if you dont like it..
so to all of yall a women cant portray a man so much you convince your mind that there not a women..even if they are…and if yall all date women like that re-evaluate your title because honey yall are NOT LESBIANS…
I said my peace…
-KarmaJ.
Karma. ∼ December 31st, 2009 10:25 pmmy ex feels the same with me, she feels like a guinea pig. but she is so wrong so far from the truth
miss cakes ∼ January 3rd, 2010 11:24 amit has nothing to do with her as to why im now going out with a man, i found her sexually attractive and i loved her very much, me “suddenly” loving men was not the reason as to why we or any of my other past realtionships did not work..we broke up because we were just that.. we were broken beyond fixing..i still do find woman sexually attractive.and i know that if me and my boyfriend break up i would go back to woman. what im trying to get at is.. its not your fault. weather your butch ( none of my ex’s or “friends” were butch) or femme,crap in bed or whatever other reason you convince yourself its your fault. people cant help who they fall for. This time last year if some one told me i would be with a man i would of been pysically repullsed.
LOL sounds like karma is a little insecure of “masculine” lesbians or those who date them what does that say about her..probably something fascinating.
Dante ∼ June 22nd, 2010 6:17 pmwe all have our little mental rules and assumptions though don’t we do be honest. like i don’t trust that very femme women are really gay especially if they only date super femme girls themselves. i must be opposite to karma as i tend to worry they are just dipping in the pool and are kissing their straight friends. like ermsomebody said lots of different kinds of butch and really people can look masculine but hey when all the clothes come off they can be the most femmine things.
thats what i like. tend to go for girls who dress and act adrogynous as i love their confidence and attitude and spark and cas of my own prejudice i trust their sexuality more but i like their bodies to be femm i.e. not some fat cow lol. a little pixie in dyke chic please lol and also a girl who can dress up like a goddess if she wants to occasionally just for her lover. someone who likes to use straps and toys but doesn’t see them as necessity. thats kind of erm me basically and the girls i like. but I’m with a man atm lol who i don’t intend to leave i think thats what the poster means by ended up with men . these girls are or appear to be with men committed and deeply inlove and see a future with their male lovers they were probably bi deep down inside. i know many lesbians who are really bi.
i wouldn’t worry you are probably lovely and never think about who exes end up with worry about current lovers and how much you care for one another.
My girlfriend used to be the dominant before in here previous relationships and now, she seems to be changing. she wants me tobe, she likes it when i work out and she i saw her many times looking at men lately. In spite of the start of the relationship she insisdte to beb with me and that she does not like men, now she defence men in anything, and she wants me to be masculine and i wonder. I did not have other relationships with women before but she had. what do u think?
maria ∼ September 2nd, 2010 10:09 am