Say it to Sappho: How can we stop our arguments going too far?
January 15th, 2010
“Dear Sappho. Sometimes when I argue with my partner it gets physical. I am worried as it not a side of my personality that I have seen before. I know it’s not the same as domestic violence because we are both quite evenly matched but it doesn’t feel right. Most of the time we have a very close and loving relationship doing everything together. We both like to drink but if we argue when have been drinking we seem to get carried away. We don’t really talk about it I think because we are embarrassed. How can I break this cycle?” Anon
You need to let your partner know how this side of your relationship makes you feel. It would be best to do this sober. Alcohol can exacerbate your emotions and make you less inhibited.
Just because you consider yourself evenly matched it doesn’t mean that either of you have to tolerate aggression. I am assuming that both of you would ideally like to be in a relationship that doesn’t involve physical violence.
You and your partner may need help to manage your aggression and there are organisations that can support you both with this. Relate offers relationship counselling to couples.
If you are not ready for counselling there are strategies you can try. For example, don’t drink together. Or, if you feel an argument is about to happen, have some time out. Another good idea is to agree with your partner that whenever you are about to argue, you mutually agree to have the discussion the next day. This might give you some time to see if the issue was really worth arguing about in the first place.
If she is unable to see your point of view or you feel unsafe then you need to decide whether it is really in your best interest to remain in this cycle of destruction.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
It’s still domestic violence - just not domestic violence with a clearly identifiable perpetrator and victim.
If you don’t have the courage just yet to look at counselling, you could try changing the terms of your arguments. I discovered long ago that switching, “When you say/do X, I feel like Y” for “You always/never…” works wonders. A book on communications in relationships which I found really helpful is ‘We Can Work It Out’ by Notarius & Markman [http://tinyurl.com/ybghfpy]; it assumes a male-female couple, but it’s an excellent resource on identifying where the communications problems are and how to tackle them in the context of a committed relationship.
The Conflict Resolution Network [http://www.crnhq.org] aims at helping groups deal with conflict positively, but the principles work wherever you are.
In fact, if you search online for “conflict resolution relationships”, you’ll find a large swathe of t’internet is devoted to supporting people in creating healthy relationships. You two have plenty of resources to learn from - all you need is to work out what’s more important: avoiding temporary embarrassment, or working through a serious problem that will only get worse if it’s not tackled + building a healthy relationship.
K ∼ January 15th, 2010 2:55 pm