Say it to Sappho: How do you come out as straight?
February 12th, 2010 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho I have recently started seeing a man. I have always identified as a lesbian and I know some of my friends won’t accept my new relationship. I don’t really understand it myself and I’m not sure it will last but he is such a lovely and understanding man. I feel really guilty as it was so hard for some of my family to accept my sexuality. It’s almost like coming out all over again! I can accept that I might be bisexual but I’m not sure other people will and I don’t want to mess this guy around. He said I should take my time to think about what I want but I just don’t know.” Anon
There are no rights or wrongs in consensual relationships. Labels such as lesbian, straight, bisexual etc can be useful to help people describe their identity but they are not definitive. There is no singular way for any person to behave or feel even if they have chosen to adopt a label. Human nature is not that simple.
In the same way that you would have likely experienced when you came out as gay, those people who love and respect you will do so regardless of who you are in a relationship with. Coming out can sometimes be a profound and traumatic experience and it is understandable that you are hesitant to put yourself through this again. Often though the fear of the experience is not as bad as the reality.
If you really care about this man you need to consider how he feels about this clandestine relationship. It seems like he respects you enough to give you space to come to terms with your feelings. Do you respect him enough to allow him fully into you life?
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
Why is the headline “How do you come out as straight?” when the question is how to come out as bi?
Your correspondent may wish to get in touch with a local bi support group. They’re used to providing people of various identities safe space to explore their identities - that generosity is one of the reasons there are so many people who used to identify as bi and now identify as gay, lesbian, trans, etc., having been given the opportunity to wrestle with identity in a group which accepts a wider range of options than some lesbian and gay groups. They may be able to point her in the direction of genuinely LGBTQI-supportive counselling.
She might also consider telling her family and friends that she is currently dating a man and isn’t clear what her identity is right now, and that she would appreciate their support as she determines what is happening. Being open about the fact that she’s in the midst of a process of exploration brought on by an unexpected attraction rather than feeling that she must have a firm identity might well give her the breathing space she needs to explore her emotions.
Above all, it may help to remember that many women who identify as lesbian experience attraction to men, and it isn’t unusual for lesbians to have sex with men and keep it very quiet. The fact that she’s wondering how to go about being honest about her life says a great deal for her integrity. That’s not to be sniffed at.
K ∼ February 12th, 2010 6:39 pmyeah good point - she isn’t straight just because she is with a man doesn’t make her straight. It’s all just labels for other people’s convenience.
lacey ∼ February 14th, 2010 5:31 pmSome statement; got any facts to back this up?
Women who have sex with men [yuck] are straight or bi, not Lesbians;-)
“it isn’t unusual for lesbians to have sex with men and keep it very quiet. “
rory ∼ February 15th, 2010 8:06 amRory: I should perhaps clarify that I am *not* saying that all lesbians have sex with men or that it is the *most* usual expression of sexuality amongst lesbians; what I am saying is that it is not unusual, and many of us do know lesbians who sometimes have sex with men (and gay men who sometimes have sex with women).
I take lesbian, gay, and bisexual as labels we use to describe our identities; if we used those labels to describe our sexual behaviours only, then no-one has an orientation before they’ve had sex, lesbians who had sex before coming out and then having sex exclusively with women would be labelled bisexual, persons who are celibate would be said to have no orientation, etc. So it gets complex. What I’m talking about is self-identification, which is a) sometimes subject to change according to a broad range of factors, and b) something I find it best to respect (ie. you tell me you’re a lesbian, I assume it is best to respect your identity rather than question you minutely and challenge your right to self-identification). Furthermore, the terms lesbian, gay, and bisexual are really culturally-specific, so that people from different ethnic groups can have radically different concepts of orientation and behaviour
For a good 15 years, it has been the norm amongst sex-educators, social workers, mental health professionals, and others serving the LGBTQI communities to talk about “men who have sex with men” and “women who have sex with women” on the practical grounds that self-identification of sexual orientation is not always an accurate indicator of sexual behaviour. You can see how complex it can get in a multiple-authored article, ‘Women Who Report Having Sex With Women: British National Probability Data on Prevalence, Sexual Behaviors, and Health Outcomes’[http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1874216/]; or
in a 2009 presentation on lesbian health care by Dr Patricia A. Robertson (Professor in the Department of Obstetrics,
Gynecology and Reproductive Sciences at the University of California at San Francisco) [ucsflgbt.org/pdfs/Lesbian%20Health.pdf]; Wilkinson’s 1996 paper ‘Bisexuality a la mode’ [linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/0277539596000167]on the ways in which sex with women is marketed to straight women and sex with men is marketed to lesbians; or in the slew of books for counsellors, social workers, and others addressing/including the phenomenon as shown by a simple search in google books for the phrase “lesbians who have sex with men” [http://books.google.com/books?ei=miJ5S4WJD8iOjAfMwfTCCg&ct=result&q=%22lesbians+who+have+sex+with+men%22&btnG=Search+Books]; or in a short and shrewd article on the phenomenon by lesbian writer and psychotherapist Kali Munro [http://www.kalimunro.com/article_lesbians_and_men.html]; or Paula Rust’s classic ‘The Politics of Sexual Identity: Sexual Attraction and Behavior among Lesbian and Bisexual Women, Social Problems’ [http://www.jstor.org/pss/3097016], in which almost half her lesbian informants continued to have sex with men even years after identifying as lesbian (Rust really is fearless in her books on sexual identity and behaviour).
The phenomenon of lesbians who have sex with men (rarely, once in a blue moon, here and there, or even fairly regularly) is demonstrably well known. There may be a wide variety of reasons, ranging from engagement in the sex industry to culturally(ethnic, religious, socio-economic)-specific attitudes to sexual orientation and behaviour, to simple desire (occasional or regular). And it’s well known enough to have scientists (from social scientists to medical scientists), therapists, social workers, and queer and trans activists write papers, articles and books about it, give professional seminars and conferences on it, and form health policies for LGBTQI centres and campuses involving recognition of it.
Daria says in the film ‘Go Fish’ (not verbatim, but here’s the gist) that if a gay man has sex with a woman, he’s said to be bored, drunk or lonely; when a lesbian has sex with a man, her entire range of life choices become suspect.
Just for fun, what do you call a lesbian who has sex with non-operative MTFs, or gay men, or genderqueer partners? What about lesbians involved in the S&M community, who often “play” with people of varying gender identities because the “scene” is more important than the gender identity of the person(s) they’re “playing” with? How do we construct sexual identity? Sarah Leavitt’s article ‘Can You Fuck Men And Still Call Yourself A Dyke?’ [http://www.xtra.ca/public/Vancouver/Can_you_fuck_men_and_still_call_yourself_a_dyke-4702.aspx] is a nice intro to the issues.
Thank you for pushing me to provide sources instead of just assertions. It forced me to look carefully at the words and phrases I was using, to think it through further than just expressing what I know from 20 years in the community as a variation of “everyone knows”, which is a formula I get quite irritated by when other people do it!
K ∼ February 15th, 2010 11:20 amthis is just great, another victory for the male oppressor, just what we needed, I am sure her new found master must be so happy to get a chance to brag about how he converted the lesbo.
God I can’t find word to say how much I want this to be fake.
How can any lesbian women give up everything that she is, everything that believe in to become some guy’s slave. It’s just beyond me, I truly can’t find any sane reason for this.
How can she be betraying her entire community so easily?, does she just not care about all the pain this will cause?
I stoped counting how many time people told me I just needed to find the right man, and now I come online to read some fun story and I find this.
For Christ sake she’s basicly giving them ammo to shot at us, why? WHY?
I’d never,NEVER do something like that I’d rather kill myself a thousand time than backstab all my sisters in such a way.
Thanks a lot for the horror storry,now I have this huge lump in my throat and I am going to be sick for the whole evening.
As for K’s comment quoting lies and deception spread out by male conspiracist trying to destroy the lesbian community from the inside out,I’d rather not even comment on it.
No one is naive enough to believe that any serious scientist study has ever proved that most lesbian are actually secretly actracted to men . that is outside of every guys fantasy realm in their head.
PS:I am not a native english speaker
Seraphine ∼ February 23rd, 2010 2:08 amI’m so sorry to see how much this hurts you. It’s plain from your post that the hurt goes very deep.
I’m so sorry to see how your pain is affecting your ability to accept others.
It’s a tough position to be in, and I hope you have access to support from people you can trust to help you through this.
K ∼ February 24th, 2010 1:40 pmFor God’s sake!!! ignore everyone else’s bull and go with your heart! You won’t be betraying anyone and if they think that you are then that is their issue to work through not yours, it is YOUR life not anyone else’s, the choice is yours to make, as long as you are happy with your decision, labels are for clothes, not people! :-) x
Ally ∼ February 25th, 2010 3:59 pmCouldn’t agree more Ally! I personally believe that until we all stop pigeon holing our sexuality full equality will never be achieved! We have no control over who we are attracted to, it’s biology! Men, women so what!? We are all equal so it shouldn’t matter!!! We have no choice!!!
Vivien ∼ February 28th, 2010 6:05 pmK, I read the links but I dont see any numbers. Sure I agree that sexuality for women can change over time.
rory ∼ March 1st, 2010 12:50 amBut the uberchic ‘genderqueer’ has nothing to do with women’s culture at all!
It is majoritarian male gay and hetero culture. I think this is the problem with some bisexuals bringing male culture into one of the few preserves of female discourse left - the Lesbian world.
My lesbian and feminist friends agree as well. And I think this is why we are so resistant.
“another victory for the male oppressor”
Thank you for telling me whom I am and am not allowed to go out with. I don’t feel oppressed by that statement at all.
E ∼ March 1st, 2010 2:52 pmSeraphine, I felt your response was truly hurtful and disappointing. I think it’s laughable to suggest that orientation is a choice we make and your comments were so disrespectful and insulting to bi women - and, I feel, to all our sisters, whether they identify as queer or straight, not to mention our brothers, sons, male friends, and genderqueer/GNC people.
A ∼ March 11th, 2010 1:51 pmI’m sorry that you feel hurt, but please think about what you’re saying and whether it’s going to hurt other people too.