Say it to Sappho: I am afraid of sex
June 22nd, 2010 by Sappho
Dear Sappho. I am afraid of sex. I have been with women and really wanted to take things further but I just seem to tense up every time. Sometimes I physically shake when someone I really like even touches me. It’s a nightmare and I have lost some really nice women because of it. I really want to change but I just can’t seem to get passed it. Anon
It is not that uncommon for people to experience anxiety around intimate and emotional experiences. Excitement and anxiety have the same physiological reactions so when they are experienced at the same time they can feel all the more intense.
Like any phobic reaction the more you experience this anxiety the more ingrained the response becomes. Also because you beat yourself up about the consequences of this fear it will get slightly worse each time. What often happens is that you become anxious in anticipation of how you will react and which causes a vicious circle of anxiety.
For you to to conquer this fear you are going to need to be able to be honest with the person you are with. Explain that this is how you react if you are nervous/excited - that can only be taken as a compliment. Take small steps towards exposing yourself to situations you find uncomfortable and make new associations. Be mindful of your potential to over respond and don‘t let it overshadow the positive emotions you feel when you are with someone.
Push yourself outside of your comfort zone but not so far that you feel worse. The trick is to break this cycle and regain control. If you want to seek professional help CBT or NLP are both very effective therapies for phobias. Remember this habit has evolved over time and so allow yourself time to change.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
If you aren’t afraid of men in this way then you’re not gay.
grey wolf ∼ July 17th, 2010 8:55 amGrey Wolf, I disagree.
When you emotionally want to invest in something, if something is really important, it can be a scary thing to actually do. In this case the intimacy with someone special.
Personally, I was living with a man for 8 years, never was scared of sex - I just wasn’t “in” on it, I closed down completely, couldn’t feel sh*t.
Sexuality, and all the emotions involved, is not as simple and clean cut as you want to make it.
Malene ∼ July 18th, 2010 5:25 pmYep, Grey Wolf, I’m gonna agree with Malene on this one - besides, sex isn’t the only part of sexuality. Also, someon who’s been with men fine, but is scared of being with a woman could be worried cos this time it actually means something (if they’re gay).
Brightman ∼ July 18th, 2010 9:15 pmSometimes it seems as if I get tired so easily. It’s so hard to get motivated to do things I should enjoy. It’s like I keep just that step between myself an most others, it’s hard for me to get really close to people anymore. I want to change how things are going but am no longer sure how. I don’t know if I have it in me to change now. I can pull myself out of depression for a time- I’m better than I was when this was set off by certain events, but I just don’t quite know how to fit anymore.
TPS ∼ July 22nd, 2010 9:59 am