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“Dear Sappho. I love my girlfriend, but I hate her ex. I know rationally that there is nothing sexual or romantic between them anymore. But I am being made to accept their ‘deep friendship’ which is a result of them having been together for 8 years. What’s worse is that I am sure the ex plays on this sometimes. I am sure she can sense my jealousy and loves doing little things to see how I handle it (for example, saying things like ‘I know you better than you know yourself’ to my girlfriend, in front of me). I couldn’t challenge any of this - I feel pretty sure that my girlfriend would choose friendship with the ex over me - or even if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be happy without the ex in her life. We have been together just over a year and I am really happy, besides this. I want to be able to accept it but it just does my head in. Arrrgghhh how do I eliminate the ex issue??” Anon, 30, Cumbria

I know that this is about you, but there are three different parties who need to hear a bit of Sappho’s advice today:

To all of you who are struggling to accept your partner’s relationship with their ex:

You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Some people are more jealous than others, which will affect your reaction to your partner’s ex. You may not have that deep bond with exes of your own, which will also affect how you feel. Whatever the factors, you are allowed to feel the way you feel. You can’t help it. What you can help, is how you behave and how you communicate those feelings.

If you feel that your partner’s relationship with her ex is too much for you to be able to be happy, then you need to be honest. If you are not honest, it is highly likely that somewhere down the line, your relationship will fail. Not only will it fail, but it will fail with a lot of drama, a lot of nastiness, and a lot of pain. If you are honest, it might fail too. But this is the only chance you have of making your relationship work for the best. Better to know sooner, rather than later.

To all of you who are friends with your ex, when your ex has moved on:

Some of you will be completely respectful women, giving your exes the chance to build their new relationships without the ‘ex-factor’. You will be sensitive, knowing that the strong bond with your ex could make the new girl feel a bit insecure. You will make the effort to get to know the new girl so that you can sustain the friendship with your ex without having a negative impact. Some of you will walk away for a while because you know it just won’t work for them with you hanging around.

Others of you will be jealous and less self-aware. You will push boundaries and test the patience of the new girl. You will play games and test the loyalty of your ex. You are selfish, and you need to have a word with yourself.

To all of you who have girlfriends, and are still really close with an ex:

Ultimately, you hold the most responsibility for other people’s feelings. You have set the triangle up and you need to manage this well. Do you feel that you can build your new relationship how you want it to be with your ex on the scene all of the time? If it was the other way round, would you tolerate the intimacy of your partner with her ex? Are you trying to have your cake and eat it? Were you ready to move on?

This is a big issue for a lot of lesbians. It is probably more common amongst women who have relationships with women than it is for anyone else. Be aware, and be mature. Please.

Do you have a sex or relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

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