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“Dear Sappho. When me and my girlfriend got together we agreed to have an open relationship. It was my idea. Six months later she has found someone she would like to sleep with. I’m not happy about it and know I’ll be really jealous now that it’s a possibility. The worst thing is that she wasn’t even very happy about it in the first place and I don’t understand why she would want to sleep with someone else now. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How should I try to sort this out for the best?” Beth, 27, Hove

Someone wants to have their cake and eat it, don’t they? Sounds like you want to have a faithful girlfriend while you go off and sleep with whoever you please.

Your motivation for having an open relationship was obvously focused entirely on your own desire to sleep with different people. You have failed to think about how you would feel if your girlfriend was intimate with someone else. You have also admitted that you entered this ‘open relationship’ set-up knowing that it wasn’t what she wanted anyway.

Now you are questioning the potential negative impact of your decision - but yet again, you are thinking solely about your own feelings. It seems that you are not entirely aware of how selfish you sound and from reading in between the lines I wouldn’t be surprised if your girlfriend was deeply unhappy. She has obviously convinced herself to go against the grain of how she would normally want a relationship to be in order to please you.

Open relationships need as much trust and understanding as exclusive relationships. They are not a ticket to ride with less responsibility. In fact, in could be argued that open relationships demand more. Are you in the right headspace for either kind of relationship? You don’t sound ready to commit yourself to someone and yet it seems you are highly insecure about your partner operating her life on equal terms to you.

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have the most honest and frank discussion you can muster. You need to work out between you if you genuinely want the same thing and if you can meet those needs together. This will be more difficult for you if you are not sure what you want. In which case, take some time out.

Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

Posted in: Sex & Relationships |