Say it to Sappho: I’m embarrassed to be seen with my partner
May 14th, 2010 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. I have a fantastic relationship with my partner most of the time, but sometimes I find her embarrassing when we go out. When we first got together she really made an effort with how she looks, but as time has passed she doesn’t bother quite so much. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it’s getting to the point I don’t want to be seen with her.” Anon London
Often when we first get together with someone we really like there is a lot of energy and excitement as we are in touch with some of our deepest positive emotions. We want to impress the other person and can feel flattered that such a wonderful person could actually be interested in us. Inevitably, this unconditionally positive energy will dampen down at some point. This happens in different ways for different couples; sometimes it just simmers down slowly, for others there will be specific moments or events.
Some people can feel really insecure about this transition and will try to change themselves in an attempt to rekindle the flame. This can often lead to problems in the relationship as compromises can be unsustainable and lead to resentments. It sounds as though your partner has changed because she is comfortable and secure. It is quite common that people make less effort when they are in secure relationships. She obviously doesn’t feel the need to impress you anymore, and she is probably less concerned than you are about what other people think.
You are at a different stage in your relationship, a stage where you don’t have that initial excitement to fuel your happiness together. You have to pull on other resources to keep your relationship going. Respect, understanding, communication, humour. A degree of honesty, or at least some subtle and kind communication about how you feel, would be a mature step.
Ultimately, you need to see your partner as an individual, separate to yourself and not a reflection on you. If she doesn’t care what other people think about how she looks, neither should you. You obviously do care, and you therefore have a choice; change the way you feel, or take some kind of action.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
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