Say it to Sappho: My ex-girlfriend is not a girl
February 26th, 2010 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho my ex-girlfriend is currently undergoing gender reassignment. I found this out through a friend and I feel really used and insulted. I’ve always been a strong feminist and it sickens me to think she (he!) could have misled me this way. I have written to her for an explanation but she has not replied. Please shed some light on my torment.” Cath, Wales
Your ex’s choice to undergo gender reassignment would not have been a decision he has taken lightly. He would have had to think about it for some time and it is likely that it was an extremely difficult process.
It is understandable that you feel upset if you feel your choices were taken away i.e. not wanting to sleep with a male-gendered person. However, when your partner was with you, he may not have fully understood his own feelings and any form of deceit wouldn’t have been malicious. I’m sure your ex had many qualities that you were attracted to in your relationship. He will still have these qualities.
If the letter you wrote expressed the anger you are feeling then he may feel that he doesn’t know how to respond. He is probably trying to build a new life and the last thing he may want to deal with is people who don’t understand him or fully respect who he is. Have you questioned why he hasn’t chosen to tell you about this himself?
If you want to understand why your ex has decided on reassignment and how he felt when he was with you, you need to be open to the possible answers and respectful of the fact that this really isn’t about you.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
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