Say it to Sappho: My mother is ashamed of me
March 19th, 2010 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho my Mother is ashamed of me. I try to keep her happy but I have become increasingly aware I am not going to be the daughter she wants me to be. I feel it is important to be true to myself but I love my mum and feel so guilty at her disappointment. I feel trapped and don’t know how to move things forward.” Grace, Berks
The transition from dependent child to independent adult rarely transpires without complications. From your point of view it sounds as though you have developed a strong sense of who you are. This is of real credit to you as it is often easy to conform to how we perceive what other people believe to be ‘appropriate’.
The truth is that we are not clones and there is no standard right and wrong way of being. People often have unrealistic ideals based on their own regrets, fears, assumptions and perceptions.
From your mother’s point of view she will have her own idea of what it means to be successful, safe or normal. She probably feels she is protecting you by trying to enforce her ideals onto you. It maybe difficult for her to trust your ability to be an independent adult or for her to let go of her dependent child.
Ultimately it is your life and trying to change beyond how you feel will cause you inner conflict and stress. You cannot be responsible for how your mother feels - she is her own person. If she cannot see beyond her expectations and accept that you are happy in yourself then you need to take charge and find a compromise. You do not need to lie to her, but maybe avoid exposing her to the things that cause conflict between you both.
Hopefully she will eventually learn to accept you for who you are.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
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