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“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend never initiates sex. We have a good sexual relationship but it is always me that starts things up. I tried not coming on to her for a while and we just ended up not doing anything. When I mentioned it to her she just said she thought I did not want to. I know she likes sex as she is fine once we get going. I feel like she does not really fancy me and maybe just does it to please me. I am scared we have got lesbian bed death! Advice please.” Anon, up North

There could be many reasons why your girlfriend doesn’t initiate sex. It maybe that she has just got accustomed to the habit of you starting things up. She may not have the confidence to come on to you. It may be that she is too tired and needs your encouragement. If you want to get to the bottom of it you need to help her feel safe enough to talk openly and honestly with you.

Your decision to abstain without explanation is a mind-game, even if you didn’t intend it to be. She may feel rejected and if this is a confidence issue it is likely to affect her confidence event more. She may have had bad experiences in the past which mean that she struggles to communicate around sex. Mind games are only going to make things worse - for both of you.

Let her know how you feel and explain that you feel things would be better if you could talk more. Listen openly to what she has to say and see if you can work together to overcome any barriers. If the issues are deeper than you expected you may want to seek some support. Relate can offer sex therapy as well as relationship counselling.

Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

Posted in: Sex & Relationships |