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“Dear Sappho. I have been dating different women for ages and had almost given up hope of finding someone who I felt I could have something special with. Then I met the most gorgeous girl ever who I have been seeing for a few months…

I get the best feeling about her and thought from the beginning that it could go somewhere. She is going a bit cold on me though and doesn’t want us to officially label our relationship or for it to be exclusive. I think I may be coming across as a bit desperate - I’m not - I just don’t want to waste a rare opportunity…some advice??” Leanne, 29, Cardiff

The worst thing you can do with a commitment-phobe is pressure them, come across as desperate, or show that all you want is a full-on exclusive relationship. But then by being dishonest you enter the realm of mind-games and ‘playing hard to get’. If you really do see any genuine future potential with this person, you might want to avoid a start that involves playing any games.

Think of your approach in terms of the following roles: ‘parent’, ‘child’ or ‘adult’.

The ‘parent’ approach would be something along the lines of “listen, we’ve got something really good here so I would strongly recommend that you take my expert advice and get serious before it is too late!”

The ‘child’ approach would be more like “pretty, pretty pleeeeasse be my girlfriend or I’ll cry”. 

The ‘adult’ approach, which I (being extremely mature and hundreds of years old) am a strong advocate of, would be “I like you, a lot, and believe that we could make each other really happy. But I’m not going to chase you. You know where to find me when you work out what you want.” This approach is clear, concise and completely without any bullshit.

What you have said is all about how you feel. You haven’t mentioned anything about where this special person is at in her own life or what she has said about her feelings towards you.

Any sense of anything ’special’ is coming from you and this might not apply to her. It may just be the case that she has a bit of baggage to work through, or it may be that what you are feeling is simply unrequited.

Don’t let yourself get messed around - you deserve the same respect and honesty that you give.

Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

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