Say it to Sappho: She’s a workaholic
September 11th, 2009
“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend is a self-employed games designer and she insists on working on her laptop every night in the lounge while I watch TV… we only have a one-bed flat. She doesn’t do anything else and often falls asleep on the sofa in the early hours. It’s ruining our relationship but she says she needs the money. What is the compromise with this?” Cat, 35, Brighton & Hove
Getting two lives to intertwine neatly can be really difficult. Especially if you both have very different working patterns. Does she work all day too? Or is she just a night person? I suppose I am trying to ask if she is managing her time as well as she could?
Firstly, you need to communicate with her about the effect that this is having on you and explain that for you, it is to the detriment of the relationship. You then need to look at possible solutions together that will work within your shared lives. It is difficult living with someone in a small place when you both have very different routines. You need respect that neither of you have the right/wrong routine; they are just different.
If you both want your relationship to work under the pressures of your working responsibilities, you need to work together and support each other. It could be that she adjusts her routine. It could be that you decide together when you are going to have quality time together, so that you know where you stand, but that you ease the pressure when she is having to work.
If she is having financial difficulties and is stressed out, she may need you to help her see that balance is lacking in her life which is really unhealthy. Maybe looking at the more medium to long term future will help - so that you can assess when this situation will be able to change. If you currently feel like this is going to go on forever, no wonder you aren’t happy.
Maybe consider not living together? I know this is the unspeakable ’step-backwards’ in the lesbian world, but it might just work.
Do you have a sex or relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
My partner has ADHD. Hyperfocus - the blocking out of all external stimuli and focusing entirely on the task at hand - is a prominent characteristic of the condition, existing alongside a tendency to distraction and memory problems when not in hyperfocus. Lots of programmers and game designers have ADHD - their job gives them the right combination of distraction and need for hyperfocus, and allows them to play to their strengths.
ADHD is not quite the same in women as men, though whether that’s down to organic or social differences is as yet unknown. However, reading some basic outlines of female ADHD* might be of help - whether she has it or not, it may help to give insights into how to go about approaching someone whose behaviour is problematic in this way.
* http://www.help4adhd.org/living/womengirls/WWK19
K ∼ September 12th, 2009 1:22 pmhttp://www.apa.org/monitor/feb03/adhd.html
http://www.addvance.com/
I’m a student and my partner gives me grief for spending all night with my head in a laptop. Obviously I’d rather do something more interesting but the work has to be done. Set some time aside to go out together so that you both have a break.
Sarah ∼ November 9th, 2009 7:54 pm