Say it to Sappho: There are some things I just won’t do
August 13th, 2009 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend thinks that I am prudish because I don’t want to have full-on sex when we are on our periods. I have never liked the idea and I don’t want to go there. I don’t want her to feel like we are not being as intimate as we could be but I just don’t feel that this a requirement of that. What can I say to her to make her understand that this doesn’t have to be a necessary of our relationship and that it just isn’t something I can get in to?” Anon, 24, Brighton
My initial thoughts are that it if she can’t understand “this just isn’t something I can get into” then I’m not sure how else you are going to get your message across. Maybe if you begin by saying “different people like different things and…”. But something about the fact that you are having to spell this out rings alarm bells for me.
Everyone draws their own lines when it comes to sex. The fact that you and your partner draw you lines on this issue in different places doesn’t have to mean that you are incompatible. However, the lack of acceptance over where each of you draw those lines is what is causing you difficulties.
In order to enjoy sex it is vital that you feel comfortable and not judged by your partner. You need to explain that you are unhappy about the fact that a preference of yours is being used against you. You could just as easily label her for being weird for wanting to have ‘period sex’; but you aren’t judging her for what she likes/wants - that’s the difference.
If there is a part of you that is curious about having sex when either of you are menstruating, and it is just fear of some kind that is stopping you wanting to explore, then be honest with your girlfriend and ask for more patience. But if your mind really isn’t open to any experimentation you need to be completely clear and honest about that too.
Do you have a sex or relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
gosh I’ve just come out and not really thought of this…Is it common to have sex during periods? as it has a rather yuck factor for me, and if it is I’ll have to deal with it…
Rory ∼ August 14th, 2009 4:41 amI can´t see the yuck factor myself… As Germaine Greer the Glorious said, menstrual blood is just blood after all, and you would kiss a bleeding hand, for example.
Ines ∼ August 23rd, 2009 9:32 pmAlright, lets get one thing straight here ladies. When I’m on my period, I’m bleeding, bloated, and angry. Although some claim that is me 24/7, I completely get why this person isn’t in the mood to get it on.
As for Ines’s comment. When the blood contains other bodily discharges, like say for example uterine lining, then it stops being just blood. Not to mention, I don’t want to have contact with anyone’s blood period. I’m not a vampire nor do I suffer from an iron deficiency.
RG ∼ September 4th, 2009 6:11 amMenstrual cups are brilliant things.
There are larger silicone cups like the Mooncup [http://www.mooncup.co.uk], which is reusable (for about 10 years), can be boiled to sterilise, and hold up to an ounce of blood (so most women only have to change it morning and night). These cups make penetration impossible, but oral sex and masturbation very easy indeed.
There are also disposable cups like Instead [http://www.ciao.co.uk/Instead_Softcup__Review_5468452], which is rather like a diaphragm and intended for short-term use. It means that penetration can take place as well as oral sex, and my experience was pretty positive (though I love my MoonCup to much to use anything else).
If you do fancy having sex on your period, then, there are certainly ways of doing it.
If you’re emotionally and/or physically not wanting sex, no-one should force you into it.
K ∼ September 12th, 2009 7:40 pmI adore Germaine Gloriosa too; but actually I’m a vegetarian, so anyone’s blood is not my thing:)
And yeah, the gf may not be in the mood either.
rory ∼ September 12th, 2009 11:13 pmI think you nailed it. It’s not so much about what Anon doesn’t like (although on the personal note, nope not for me either. although I celebrate it as a power I just DON’T feel sexy when I’m on my period) but the fact that her partner won’t hear what she doesn’t like. Sex is about trust even before it’s about pleasure because you can’t the one without the other.
Gelfling ∼ October 22nd, 2009 5:17 pm