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“Dear Sappho. My girlfriend has a lot of baggage from previous relationships like people being unfaithful to her and walking all over her in other ways. She is a really loving person but seems to get freaked out every time she realises she has let her guard down a bit. I am trying to be patient but I am starting to feel offended when it feels like I am getting judged based on her past experiences of other women. How can we get over her not trusting me? I really feel like I have got to prove something.” D, 31, Preston

D, your girlfriend is understandably insecure as a result of her previous relationships. It sounds as though her naturally caring nature has been abused. This has resulted in reflex defensiveness to avoid her being hurt again.

This is not a reflection on you - she is protecting herself emotionally. Be honest with her about how her reactions make you feel and reassure her that your motivations are sincere. It will help if you are open-minded about why she reacts defensively. She may not even be aware that she is doing it and if she is a caring person the she would surely be devastated to think she is hurting you.

Like any ingrained fear it will take time for her to change her thought processes in relationships. If she is ever going to let her guard down, you are going to have to work on it together. You do deserve to be treated on your own merit and not on the basis of her exes actions but remember that trust does often have to be earned. This is just more obvious with some people than it is with others.

Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.

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