Say it to Sappho: when does cheating start?
February 13th, 2009 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. I have crushes on people other than my girlfriend and I feel really guilty about it. My mate told me she thinks that this is as good as cheating. My other mate thinks that everyone does it and it is nothing to worry about.
I’m pretty sure my girlfriend wouldn’t be happy if she found out that I felt like this. Do you think this is a really bad sign about my relationship?” Worried, 25, Slough
The only person who can tell you if this is a ‘bad sign’ about your relationship is yourself. In my opinion, anyone who says they don’t look at other people is a liar. However, I do think that when you are madly in love you are far less likely to look about - and certainly less likely to develop ‘crushes’. Think back to the beginning of your relationship; did you have crushes on other people then? Or has this developed through boredom with the status quo? Your answers to these questions should tell you a bit more about the person you are.
Maybe this is quite an extreme analogy but what makes a hate crime a hate crime is the perception of the ‘victim’. I think you can apply this to cheating too. If your partner feels cheated by your behaviour then it is cheating. This means that there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer to your question. The experience of cheating (whether that be as the cheater or the cheated) will be different for everyone.
I can already hear some potential comebacks here… “what if your partner is just really insecure and feels cheated if you just talk to somebody?” etc. To that I would say that you and your partner have other issues. The cheating rule of perception only works when applied to people who are self aware, reasonable and have enough respect for each other to be able to be honest about what is driving them to behave or feel the way they do.
You have said it yourself that your partner wouldn’t be happy if she knew how you felt. You have to decide if the level that your crushes are reaching are worthy of telling her about and therefore hurting her. If it is something that you feel you have under control and it won’t have a negative impact on the quality of your relationship (for you as well as your partner) then maybe you just need to accept that you are the kind of girl who’s eyes just can’t help but wander.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
Worried, don’t listen to Sappho you should never tell unless the crush is on say a teacher/boss/ (generally someone who you could never actually get in reality) which you can turn into a fantasy. Maybe assess how severe your crush is. In a parallel universe, if you came across both your girlfriend and your crush in a burning house and you only had enough to save one, knowing that whoever you saved would become your everlasting wife and bear all your finger babies, who would you choose?
Faith ∼ February 16th, 2009 12:18 am