Say it to Sappho: why does she get so jealous?
September 12th, 2008
“Dear Sappho. I have been seeing my partner for nearly two years but I’ve only been out for one. My girlfriend was supportive during my coming out process but I knew it was a massive issue for her that I was in the closet because she is very out and proud. However, now that I am out she has changed towards me.
She gets really jealous - especially if I speak to other gay women or develop friendships with them. She gets really angry with me. I know I owe her a lot and so I try to do what she wants… I just don’t understand the change. Thanks.” Julie, 26, Cheshire.
So, when you were in the closet you felt guilty and thought that you were letting your ‘out and proud’ girlfriend down. Now that you are out, you feel guilty and think that you are letting your ‘out and proud’ girlfriend down…
Firstly, you owe your girlfriend nothing. If she chose to support you when you were coming out then she has to have done so unconditionally. That was your journey and she shouldn’t make it about her.
Secondly, her behaviour sounds abusive. She is making you grateful for her support to the extent that you think it is reasonable to appease her by compromising yourself and not talking to people who you want to talk to.
The change you have seen in her is probably a reaction to the change she has seen in you. When you were not out it was all about you and her. Now that you are out and exploring this aspect of your life more openly, I imagine your girlfriend is seeing a growth in your confidence and self-esteem which is making her feel less depended upon.
This is not something for you to feel guilty about though! She needs to look at herself and work out where this green eyed monster is rooted. Just ask yourself what real love would look like in this situation…you should be jointly celebrating and enjoying this step forward in your life.
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
The most successful long-term relationships are ones where jealousy is absent and the ties aren’t so tight… I think some people are mistaken by thinking that jealousy is a symptom of having really strong, special feelings for someone - when actually it is just a symptom of insecurity and consequently control