Say it to Sappho: Why isn’t what I have good enough?
September 2nd, 2010 by Sappho
“Dear Sappho. I have been with my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend for 4 years now and I love her very much. This is the first relationship that I have been faithful to since I started dating and I have been very proud of that fact but it has been very hard. I have a very large sexual appetite and my girl, bless her, really understands my need for regular sex and we do have it often and even if she isn’t in the mood she would still give me a helping hand if it appears like I am about to pull my hair out.
My problem is… for a few months I have felt like I have wanted to pull my hair out constantly. I am constantly asking her for sex and it helps sometimes temporarily but… I don’t know if it’s that I want to sleep with someone else or if its just me rebelling against the fact of the secure relationship. I dunno but I feel terrible all the time like I constantly wanna cut my hair or get a tattoo or a piercing or shag a stranger. But I know all those things will help for a day and the next day I will feel the same.
I love my girlfriend a lot but how bad is it that sometimes I consider throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me in order to get my oar in someone else. I would understand it of she didn’t give me any but she does. What’s my problem? Why am I so obsessed with sex and why isn’t what I have good enough? It hurts me I feel like I’m a bad person. She constantly mocks me about having the mind of a man…” Sent from my Blackberry
There are a lot of thoughts going around your head at the moment. It sounds really quite stressful. One thing you are definitely right about is that spontaneous acts of madness will only make you feel better temporarily. This sounds like a long-term issue that needs a long-term solution.
It is possible that none of this is about sex. It sounds as though your earlier relationships were quite unhealthy and involved a lot of drama. If this is the case, this is what you have learned about how relationships should be and how they end. You will have become used to those sorts of relationships and they will possibly feel safer and more comfortable to you than stable and faithful relationships.
Four years is a long time to be with someone but obviously not long enough for you to purge your past out of your system. It could be that you are getting a little bit bored in your current relationship and your immediate emotional reaction is to do something extreme to inject some excitement into your life. If this is the case, the best thing you could do would be to think of other more positive steps that you could take to improve how you feel about your relationship.
You could talk more with your partner about how you feel. You could look at ways to spice up your sex life that she will enjoy as well as you (this has all been about you so far!). You could consider counselling for yourself or as a couple so that you can work through how you are feeling with a professional. You could also look at other ways to manage your frustration e.g. sport and exercise.
It sounds as though your partner is very understanding of you and so it is great that you have enough respect for her to try and work this issue out properly. That is a great foundation for a relationship. Good luck.
As well s the good advice from Sappho, Firstly. I think you need to invest in a good vibrator and give your gf a break, orgasm’s are good stress relief so maybe it’s that you need regularly,they will also release certain hormones, which are kinda addictive.
It sounds like you have a great gf there, don’t do something stupid, just to live dangerously. Find some other way of living dangerously, which will also give you adrenalin kicks and endorphins (happy, pain relief hormones) i.e. strenuous exercise and/or an extreme sport/outdoor activity like climbing, kickboxing or some martial arts. Or if you’re not into intensive activity then active yoga courses at sports centres rather than meditative youga can also be a good work out and calming.
If it’s about being frustrated about the sameness of things, maybe suggest some new things when u do hav sex, like a toy or something and maybe a haircut or a trip away somewhere would be a good idea for some change (tattoos and piercings should prob not be done out of need for change as they are more permanent so you could regret it.)
anon ∼ September 3rd, 2010 12:17 pmThose are some pretty self-sabotaging, even destructive urges there. Counselling to work out what’s going on underneath might be a good thing.
Kay ∼ September 6th, 2010 6:42 pm