Say it to Sappho: Will a baby destroy what we have?
September 5th, 2008
“Dear Sappho. I am 30 and ready for a baby. My partner is the same age and we have been together for four years.
We have always talked about having children and I have never had any doubt about starting a family with her - she is loving, caring, kind and generally amazing and I have always thought we would make amazing parents together. I have started being proactive about bringing this dream to life over the past few months but have all of a sudden seen a change in my partner. She seems slightly distant and has been kind of negative in a way I’m not used to from her - constantly emphasising problems rather than possibilities. I don’t want to have children later than this. But I don’t want to jeopardise what, for me, has been the perfect relationship. Any advice??” Anon, 30, London
All of a sudden you have seen a change in your partner… because all of a sudden, she has realised that all of the talk wasn’t just talk.
This is one of those steps in life that can’t be reversed. It’s not like choosing Lesvos over Hebden Bridge for a break away. Choosing to have a child together is choosing unconditional commitment to each other, in some capacity (even if not always as partners), for the rest of your lives. Never mind the kid!
One thing that is quite apparent from your letter is that you are very aware of your own needs and wants, but there isn’t much mention of your partner. You are are ready for a baby, you have started being proactive, you don’t want to jeopardise what has been the perfect relationship for you. Are you getting lost in your dream and forgetting the team?
Go back to basics. Communicate. There are going to be massive decisions to make and you need to be in this together. There are also going to be a range of challenges that a straight couple wouldn’t have to face: pressures from family, discrimination from the idiots who think gay couples shouldn’t have children, and ultimately the process of making a baby or getting one.
Having a baby won’t destroy your relationship. But you could.
Read related posts:
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New rights for aussie lesbian mums
Do you have a sex/relationship problem you need Sappho’s help with? Email Sappho@lesbilicious.co.uk, and remember to include a name, age and location.
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