August 2, 2011

IconTabloid LGBT news round up: July 2011

Here’s the last in the current series of Lesbilicious’ tabloid round-ups: bi-monthly look at the most ridiculous LGBT stories to crawl out of the British tabloid press.

Well, you go away for a few weeks, and come back, bright-eyed, bushy tailed and eager to attack the tabloids like an urban fox at an inner-city bin bag, and what do you know? There aren’t any tabloids left!

All right, it’s only the News of the Screws. But 168 years of sleaze gone – poof! Sunday mornings will never be the same without a thick slice of tea, toast ‘n’ titillation, dribbling with sleaze.

Lust crazed harpies

I blame Candy Bar Girls. Whereas once a News of the World scrivener would don a kinky cassock, head off to a rubber night in a suburban dungeon, clock a few mid-ranking pillars of society, make excuses, leave and expose, now the barristers and primary school teachers are quite at ease appearing on national television as latex-coated, lust-crazed harpies. We’ve done the hacks out of a job, I tell you.

Oh well, at least the other red tops are still clinging on and feeding our appetite for the louche, lewd ‘n’ lezzie. The Sun reports that a lesbian couple were caught ”romping” in a park by daylight and helpfully illustrates the precise spot with Google maps, should you wish to re-enact the experience. When the raunchy pair were cautioned about their afternoon delight by the Boys in Blue, one witness said “one of the girls cried her eyes out and the other just laughed.” See the girls next week, 10pm on Five. It’s inevitable.

State of independence

The Star shouts that Reese Witherspoon is also “A TEASE” because she thinks all women are 33% lesbian – presumably, even the lesbian ones, although that doesn’t explain what happens to the other 66 and a bit percent. Oh, you do the math.

The most shocking revelation from the Star this month is that she of the monochrome pompadour, Natalie-Off-Candy-Bar-Girls’ last name is State. Did anyone else know this? Please god, let her not open her own chain of salons. “I like your hair!” “Thanks – it’s a State”.

Hannah Montana has added a seventh tattoo to her portfolio, notes the Daily Mail, and this time it’s “an inking on her finger in recognition of gay rights” .

Apparently the two amateurish dashes represent an equal sign, although it just looks like someone got busy with a Bic and a compass during a tedious algebra lesson.

No way for Dollywood

Meanwhile, in Pigeon Forge, a lesbian is forced to turn her ”marriage is so gay” top inside out at… Dollywood!  The gayest theme park on the planet!

A mardy ticket collector told Olivier Odom that her t-shirt might offend families, and not just the fashion police. Apparently, Dollywood’s policy is to ask people wearing “clothing that could be considered offensive to change clothes or cover up.” The paper doesn’t state whether that policy includes Crocs, floral jumpsuits, Ugg boots, harem pants, gladiator sandals and “I Am the Stig” t-shirts.

Oooh, I could rip a diversity monitoring questionnaire

This month, as every month, the Mail is mostly getting irate about… equality. “People” it fulminates “are being routinely grilled about their sex lives, disabilities, religion, ethnicity and employment”.

Councils trying to get a grip on who uses their services? The nerve! The questions are routinely sent out to people who include pensioners, who obviously can’t be bisexual, gay, lesbian or straight, because they’re, you know, like old. Yuk. Grandmother Richenda Legge was so angry at she ripped up her form. Take that, equality!

So incandescent was Grandma Legge, in fact, that she featured not once but twice in the paper on that very subject within a space of days. “I really saw red when I read the question about my sexual orientation. There was a choice of heterosexual and straight, gay woman/lesbian, bi-sexual or ‘other’,” she fumed. She only ripped the form up once, though.

Jeans make you gay

Science news now. Researcher s from the Stating the Bleeding Obvious Department at the University of Why Bother have discovered that tomboys are “more likely” to become lesbians.

Why’s that then, you cry? Because it’s in their geneszzzzzzzzz. And in their hormones and their upbringing as well. So that’s that cleared up once and for all. The researchers found that “around a third of non-conforming girls become lesbian”. Around a third? Isn’t that, like, 33 per cent? Did a Dr Witherspoon conduct the investigation by any chance?

And finally, bleurgh news. Paul Daniels is being “cyber stalked by a 27-year-old lesbian nude model” who has also “bragged on Twitter that she is bisexual.” She’s sent photos of herself in the altogether to the septuagenarian sorcerer, and his wife Debbie McGee and posted the pics on Twitter. And no, you can’t look at them. Her account has been deleted, as if by magic.

News round-up by Kim Renfrew

This is the last in the current series of our Tabloid LGBT news round-ups. See previous features:
Tabloid LGBT news round up: March 2011
Tabloid LGBT news round up: May 2011

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