July 15, 2011
Top 5 films for the broken hearted lesbian
After recently having my heart broken I popped on ‘Bridget Jones’ in the vague hope it may rouse me from my darkest days, writes Clare Edmondson.
I unsuspectingly put myself through two hours of smug, irritating characters, ridiculous romantic ideals and a heart sinking soundtrack that felt like a form of sadistic torture.
To help you avoid this and other filmic mistakes here, in reverse order, are my top 5 films to watch with a broken heart.
5. Bitch Slap 2009
The concept of ‘Bitch Slap’ is simple: Three tanned, toned beauties (Trixie, Hel, Camero) enter the sweat-inducing desert armed with a briefcase of stolen goods and an injured hostage. The story of how these three women came to be in this unsightly situation unfolds through a series of flashbacks interspersed with fine filly fighting in the hot hot desert.
Bitch Slap is an archetypal ‘distraction’ film for anyone with a broken heart. The titillating lesbian sex scene is enough to make anyone cringe, but these 90 minutes won’t let you shed another tear. (Unless it’s tears of joy having at watching the slow motion scenes of the bikini-clad women having a water fight).
Best line for the broken hearted: “Blow me, you psycho rug-muncher!”
4. Charlie’s Angels (2000)
Natalie, Dillan and Alex (Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Lu), are the ‘Angels’ who follow orders from their boss, Charlie, in order to make the world a better place. The Angels, in this mission, are instructed to investigate for a computer software company who believe someone has stolen their technology.
A forewarning about this film, it does have a lot of love in it. But, if you can get passed past the schmaltzy love story element, it has got loads of girl on girl love (calm down, not like that, although you can’t blame a girl for hoping) and manages to celebrate friendship in a very cheesy, American way. Hopefully, it’ll remind the heartbroken what life is all about, having awesome friends and ‘kicking ass.’
Best line for the brokenhearted: “Flip your godam hair”
3. Resident Evil (2002)
Like every good apocalyptic zombie film, Resident Evil follows the story of a nasty man-made virus that is mistakenly let loose in a research facility. The virus turns unsuspecting humans into flesh eating zombies. The shredded-red-dress-wearing, non-infected, Alice (Milla Jovovich) embarks on a mission to try and save the world from the virus escaping onto the wider public.
It isn’t pretty, (apart from the female characters), intelligent, or thought-provoking in the slightest, but it does provide some real suspense, eye candy and, most importantly, can give you some perspective on your broken heart: At least you don’t have flesh eating zombies trying to bite your legs off.
Best line for the broken hearted: “Alice to Rain ‘I could kiss you, you bitch.’”
2. Bound (1997)
Bound follows the story of Corky (Gina Gershon), an ex con-turned-tool-belt-wearing plumber who manages to woo her next door neighbour, Violet (Jennifer ‘funny voice’ Tilly). Violet is, unfortunately, married to a tough mafia man and the couple hatch an extravagant plan together to steal a whole lot of money from him.
Bound may well contain all of those things a heartbroken individual may be so desperately trying to avoid (women, sex, love and the mafia). But the first ten minutes produces the finest moment in lesbian cinematic history: the ‘Corky, Corky, Corky’ finger sniffing moment. Unsure of what I mean? Do watch, it’s a treat.
Best line for the broken hearted: “If there’s one thing I can’t stand about sleeping with women, it’s all the fucking mind-reading.”
1. Miss Congeniality (2000)
Gracie (Sandra Bullock) is a tomboyish detective who is ordered to go undercover as a contestant in the ‘United American’s Beauty Pageant’ after a tip off that a terrorist is targeting the event. It’s up to Gracie, with the help of Eric, (predictably the love interest) to solve this mystery, all whilst hilariously taking Gracie on a beauty pageant journey that she, of course, blossoms in.
This film is the epitome of escapism. Whisk yourself away from the constraints of your troubles and crack a much needed smile while watching Bullock buffooning around as Alice. If you can ignore your feminist ideals and the dubious mixed messages about beauty pageants, you may just find your mouth forming a contented smile. And, at least, flesh eating zombie’s aren’t chomping on your legs.
Best line for the broken hearted: “…and world peace.”
There you have it, a run down of the 5 top films for the broken hearted. Next time, when you face the unsightly, sinking feeling of being dumped by a loved one, pop on each one of these little beauties and let the heart healing begin.
The Sanctity of Marriage – 5 second film
Brilliant 5 second masterpiece by 5 Second Films: “They want to take our rights away? Well we want to ‘splode their heads!” Went one of the less-successful pro-gay rights protest chants.
September 21, 2012