Lesbilicious - the web’s tastiest lesbian magazine

Do you have a lesbian in your life? Wondering what to buy her for Christmas? Considering bath salts, chocolates or a CD?

Well don’t. It’s scientifically proven that there’s nothing lesbians love more than receiving commercially-approved stereotyped presents.

To help you out, we’ve chosen 5 popular types of lesbian, and identified what you should buy each one. Happy Christmas, and happy shopping!

“The Closet Case”

1. Gay clothing/crockery

She’s your cousin, your neighbour, your weird daughter. You know she’s a lesbian – hell everyone knows it – but she just won’t face facts.

When it’s time to step up the support and fling her out of that closet, there’s only one thing for it – the nobody knows I’m a lesbian tshirt. Classic! That’ll scare the men away for her.

And for stubborn coworkers, try the only gay in the office mug.

2. Action DVDs

If, however, you actually want to stay friends with your closet case friend after Christmas, how about a few innocent-looking DVDs such as the Terminator series, Tomb Raider or Resident Evil.

‘Oh I thought you liked action films!’ you can lie, while the closet case quietly develops massive crushes on hot women in vests with guns. Just don’t blame us when she goes on to join the army.

“The Hippy”

3. MixMyGranola.com

Hippies love granola. It might taste of gravel and cardboard but it’s so healthy.

So for the spoilt hippy in your life, what could be more wonderful than MixMyGranola.com.

It’s overpriced hippychow that they can mix themselves - and which therefore has a decent chance of tasting better than cat litter. And with all that fibre, it’s the gift that keeps giving.

4. Birth Knife

For pregnant hippies, or pregnant hippies’ life partners, there’s the hand-crafted birth knife.

Could anything be more life-affirming than a deliriously tired parent pushing the experienced doctors out of the way in order to hack off their helpless newborn’s umbilical cord?

And not just hacking with any old sterile medical instrument either – these birth knives can be gold-plated, silver-plated or even gemstone-encrusted and come in two models: ‘Father’s Knife’ and ‘Baby’s Breath’.

“The Drunk”

5. Stupid drinking hat

Alcoholism isn’t funny. But making fun of alcoholics is.

If you can’t humiliate your drunkard friend with tales of her falling down nightclub stairs and puking on hot girls, let the drinking hat do what it was put on this good Earth to do - make your heavy drinking buddy look like a twat.

6. Titanic icecubes

For a more subtle approach, how about the Titanic ice cube tray.

Pop some iceburgs in her drink for a lovely visual metaphor about her doomed health.

Alternatively, just run around hollering ‘oiceburg! roight ahead!‘ in your worst Irish accent and then smack the glass out of her hand so it smashes on the floor. Problem sorted.

“The Ex Girlfriend”

7. The world’s most expensive sex toy

She’s evil and you hate her. You also need a thoughtful gift to remind her of how much you’re so totally over her.

If you’re fabulously wealthy, buy yourself a $4,500 USD (£3000) Casanova – a solid silver/gold vibrator covered in semi-precious stones and pearls. Send her the receipt so she knows exactly what she’s missing.

8. Crap calendar

If you’re not ludicrously rich, however, how about a calendar of animal poo so that she can be reminded of how crap she is for the next 12 months.

Pictured left is a fox turd. A timely reminder that even the foxiest foxes are full of sh*t.

“The Animal-lover”

9. I can haz cheezeburger book

People who like animals like animals to be funny. If you have a dog you can dress it up like a bee, and if you have a cat you can make it wear wigs.

But what do you do when it’s not you but your friend who is the animal freak?

Answer: you cop out and buy the LOLcat book. Pish pash, job done.

10. Loved to Death accessories

Of course, someone who really loves animals wants to be close to their beloved pets always – in good times and in bad, in life and in death.

So what better way to tell your friend ‘I understand you’ than by giving these adorable genuine squirrel feet earrings.

Pet cat or dog earrings also possible – enquiry for more details. The only gift for the girl who really loves her pets to death.

by Milly Shaw

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