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March 23, 2009

IconLesbian Vampire Killers: review

I’m not going to pretend that I was looking forward to seeing Lesbian Vampire Killers, writes Milly Shaw.

I admit I was already prejudiced before I sat down, and that I had a hunch that it might be more of a lad’s-mag boob-fest than a sensitive and subtly nuanced portrayal of lesbianism. But I was in for a surprise.

Lesbian Vampire Killers surprised me by being far far worse than I could ever have imagined. It’s not just a spoofy excuse to leer at faux-lesbians, it’s a cold and deeply unfunny 86 minutes of hatred against women.

The adventure begins with one of our two male heroes being dumped by his ‘bitch’ of a girlfriend, and the other being sacked by his ‘bitch’ of a (female) boss. They decide to go on a hiking holiday and end up in a cottage in a forest with a group of ‘sexy’ and pathetic Swedish girls.

Thanks to the curse of a long-dead lesbian vampire queen, the girls all quickly become vampires, who our heroes then enjoy killing for the rest of the film. The ex-girlfriend’s death is particularly vicious, a drawn-out and brutal attack delivered with glee by the two men.

This is clearly not a film to be deeply analysed, but the filmmakers are obviously proud of their screamingly obvious symbolism so it seems only fair to mention it. The female curse was cast during “the time of the red moon”, and the point is hammered home in the middle of the final battle, when one of the male characters makes a point of noticing “the red moon bleeds.”

Too subtle? How about the fact that not only are the lesbian vampires dispatched by being penetrated, at their moment of death – the heroes’ moneyshot – the vampires explode with a huge spurt of white liquid.

Lesbian Vampire Killers’ true climax, however, comes with a magic weapon repeatedly referred to as “the cock sword.” This is an ancient sword whose handle looks like a penis, which is hilarious to one of the characters and disgusting to the other, who doesn’t want to hold the sword as it seems “a bit gay”. No doubt you’ve guessed what happens, but let me spell it out anyway.

The lesbian vampire queen, who is in fact the only one of the vampires who seems to genuinely be a lesbian rather than just a generally lusty vampire, can only be killed with the sword. It’s a subtle moment, so let’s rephrase: the lesbian curse is only lifted when the lesbian is penetrated by the cock sword.

With the “man-hating hot dykes” no longer a problem, the hero is finally free to claim the last remaining trophy Swedish girl, whose only wish was to lose her virginity.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is a breathtakingly awful film. But not just because it’s a relentlessly vicious attack on women – it’s also very poorly acted and just not funny. The few weak jokes in the script involve the shock of a priest occasionally swearing and the hilarity of pushing a naked woman by her breasts.

Even those watching Lesbian Vampire Killers for the prospect of seeing lesbian vampires – undoubtedly a vast majority of the audience – will be disappointed. There are a few minutes of women writhingly disinterestedly against each other in the opening scenes, but to be honest there would probably be more lesbian action on a Friday night in your local straight club.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is nasty, lazy, boring and humourless. Don’t see it.

26 Responses to Lesbian Vampire Killers: review

  1. caz says:

    brilliant review!
    awful awful awful, i had no intention of watching it and never will.
    it makes me worry to think of my 12 year old brother and his friends watching this film, but i’m glad to see its being slated, radio 6 weren’t impressed either…

  2. Kari says:

    Totally agree.

  3. shane says:

    oh come on dont over analize it! now ive read that i agree…but all week ive quite liked it!!!
    At the end of the day its a VAMPIRE movie not and lesbian one! its more a piss take on the old 60′s hammer flicks wen all the vamps were “lezzing up!”
    and lets face it we are in a world were “cock” jokes are funny to everyone apart from some lesbians.
    so if your a “girl power dyke, who has no interest in cheesy vampire movies…dont watch it simple! there are far worse things to get angry about in this world.
    *i dont see anyone bitching that the only lesbian in watchmen was killed straight away!*

  4. Jess says:

    Wow, I mean, I knew it was going to be bad, but I didn’t realise it’d be that bad.

  5. Jen says:

    Shane, I wouldn’t call the review over-analytical. Milly has picked up on the obvious symbolism that people who are completely indoctrinated by this rubbish day-to-day wouldn’t notice. Also, I think Milly is saying the same thing as you – “If you are a girl power dyke”/”If you have any sense”, then don’t watch it. I also didn’t pick up on a hint of anger – more like extreme bemusement at how these people think they can get away with making an absolutely rubbish film.

  6. Spencer. says:

    See, a lot of people in my class have been saying they really want to see this movie. I haven’t wanted to go see it since I seen the first trailer.

    Even though they all assume I’ll be busting to see it ’cause I’m a lesbian. And totally into that kinda stuff, sure. *Rolls eyes*

    Sounds just as rubbish as I suspected it would be, maybe even worse.

  7. polly styrene says:

    Are you 6 shane? “We’re in a world were (sic) cock jokes are funny to everyone except some lesbians”

    Or grown ups maybe?

    The problem is if you’ve been on the receiving end of homophobic abuse from straight men who think all that lesbians need is ‘cock’ it isn’t funny at all. It’s dangerous. Because it legitimates the ideas of homophobic arseholes. Who then translate that into real life violence.

    Horne and Corden should really be very ashamed of themselves, but I doubt they are. Hope their careers sink without trace after this and their misogynistic and equally unfunny sketch show.

  8. sandrine says:

    What happened to that crazy kid who used to do your film reviews?

  9. Milly says:

    Hi Sandrine

    We’ve never had a regular film reviewer, it tends to happen on more of an ad hoc basis. So not sure who you mean by the crazy kid…?

  10. Jen says:

    I have to agree about the sketch show too. I reckon they will sink without a trace-I reckon they have a clever manager telling the to churn out all this crap asap before their luck runs out.

  11. Sali says:

    OMG get overyourself love! I went to see it and I’ve not laughed soo much in ages, esp the bit where he found the ‘Cock Sword’!! It is a comedy film – dont take it soo seriously!

  12. Peter Penis says:

    The review may way be more hilarious than the film, but it’s given me such a great laugh I’m going straight out to see this tomorrow. Sounds like Benny Hill upated for the C21st. Good, honest, decent British smut. Brilliant!

  13. Laura says:

    Sali -

    It is pretty damn serious when the ‘comedy’ is happening in real life:


  14. Stanners says:

    So just to confirm..Thats a no yeah Mills?

  15. Saranga says:

    @ Shane: I bitched that the only lesbian in Watchmen got killed right away. As have many other blogs I’ve read. Maybe you’re looking in the wrong places?

  16. sandrine says:

    Hey Milly, the girl who did the review of Water Lillies, she was pretty good

  17. sparkle says:

    Milly, thanks for putting yourself through that for us!

    I doubt the makers have even thought that they might be helping to raise the next generation of rapists and women-abusers.

    This film is just one of a very wide genre of films that attack or degrade women. Its makers are clearly just artless quacks reproducing what they have been fed as impressionable young men, albeit in an extreme way.

    Could we hope that Lesbian Vampire Killers will become a flagship target, inspiring a backlash by those who think it has gone too far with this one, and ending up in a movement against the whole vile group of them?

  18. Helen says:

    It was truly awful, quite offensive and really not funny at all. I wasted my time going to see it, but if I can persuade anyone who was thinking of going to see it not to bother, then my time will not have been wasted in vain!!!

  19. belledame222 says:

    -blink blink- holeee shit that’s bad.

  20. Lynn says:

    Sigh..i doubt it will ever be shown in Singapore..

  21. Femily says:

    Wow, im impressed you made it to the end of the film. ace review!

  22. Svensk kille som tyckte det var en bra film says:

    Get over yourself. As others have said before me. It’s a comedy… And what did you mean by “‘sexy’ and pathetic Swedish girls”? Do you propose that they are pathetic because of the dialect and their difficulties with the English language, because they are drinking or because ther’re actually pretty good looking. Both male and female Swedes have always been ridiculed in movies but you don’t see us complain about it. And then you mention that “The adventure begins with one of our two male heroes being dumped by his ‘bitch’ of a girlfriend, and the other being sacked by his ‘bitch’ of a (female) boss.”. So? Don’t you think females can be bitches and act like the ex-girlfriend and when you’re sacked you’re boss is always an asshole or a bitch even if the layoff is justified.

  23. jimmy says:

    this movie is fantastic i loved it!!!!!!!!

    its better than I expected

  24. Sam says:

    I think this review is pretty harsh, and I think aswell that you might be over-analysing it just for the satisfaction of ripping a stereotypically “laddish” film. So heres the deal, its a comedy, no-one can escape from its evil yet hilarious grasp, whether you be, gay, straight, bi, black, white, muslim, christian, hindu, whatever, whoever. Youv e taken this film kind of personally, and its a little sad, theyre not ridiculing lesbians, theyre just using sexuality as part of the comedy. Finally, may I point out that Fletch, the more stereotypically masculine protagonist, is portrayed to be a total twat, like I said, comedy excludes noone.

  25. Malene says:

    I only just saw the movie yesterday, and perhaps I would have been slightly disappointed had I seen it in the cinema. But for a light evening entertainment amongst friends it was very, very funny!
    It bares much resembling to ‘Hot Fuzz’, ‘Shawn of the Dead’ and other movies within this category of down to earth english humour mixed with “hag ‘n’ slash” action.
    The humour in this one is perhaps a bit less intelligent and is definitely not to be analyzed too deeply.
    (but I did enjoy the bathroom scene, where one of our heroes grabs her tits to keep her in the shower and ends up with a pair of silicone implants saying “what the f**k?”)

    What pushes this film up to the same level of entertainment as its compared to movies is the aesthetics and the story line.
    The scenes with these lesbian vampires are very, very beautiful, which came as a positive surprise to me.
    The initial story line holds through and is rounded up in the end. What we usually see in these movies is that there is an initial plot, but then it becomes less important and at the end it is all about ‘killing them all’, with an ending twist that has little to do with the initial plot.

    I do think these women are depicted as strong, sensual, seductive creatures. I did not see anywhere that our heroes took any particular pleasure in killing them, and I do think their reaction towards having to do it is part of the humour in it.

    What worries me just a little, being a lesbian feminist, is this review. I know that all women have a reputation of lacking humour, and perhaps that is true…?
    I remember seeing a commercial here in Denmark, where you see this very hairy guy running on the beach, after which the women flee off screaming. And the product is shown, after which you see these women gather around him. I don’t recall what product it was supposed to sell, but it was within the male personal hygiene category.
    Had this been reversed it would have lasted through one show after which it would have been taken out.

    I would really hate to see us lesbians as being so self absorbed that we have to find demeaning and discriminating jokes everywhere.

  26. Jason says:

    ITs a good reading but its a bit over the top. its not showing women to be inamnimate sex object or lesbians like you seem to make out. its a comedy potraying the view on how society use to think towards women. It is clear this is written by a female…