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Sometimes being queer is like having night vision goggles. Flick on the gaydar goggles and a straightforward dullard film suddenly shines with a million billion smouldering looks and unsatisfied longings. Ladies, grab your goggles, and grab your popcorn. We’re hunting down hidden lesbian subplots.

Bring It On
The plot: Cliquey cheerleading squad need new member, mildly alternative new girl shows up. Team captain realises they need new girl to win and convinces her to join squad. Team steals moves from a cooler black cheerleading team, then says sorry, then almost wins some fancypants competition. Oh, and there’s a couple of girl-boy love plots too.

The gaydar goggles subplot: Edgy new girl Missy, (played by Eliza ‘Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ Dushku) joins cheerleading team and is immediately noticed by goody two shoes Torrance (Kirstin Dunst) who is strongly attracted to, and yet repelled by, her sultry bad girl danger. They immediately start up an intense friendship which inevitably progresses in all the right ways. Oh and they do some cheerleading too.

Evidence for: Missy is immediately clocked as an “uber-dyke” by one of the mean cheerleading girls, Missy is strangely jealous when her brother spends time with Torrance, there are many, many flirty conversations and lingering looks between Missy and Torrance, and they sleep together in the same bed. C’mon, when do adult women actually do that? When they’re sexin’, that’s when.

Evidence against: Torrance has a boyfriend who she then dumps to get with Missy’s brother. Is it just a messed up way of getting closer to the real hottie, Missy? Perhaps. But she does seem boringly happy with the boy.

But seriously. Is there really anything there? We’re talking Kirstin Dunst and Eliza Dushku, in skimpy cheerleading outfits, getting all gum-snappin’ mean-talkin’ bad-ass on each other. In other words, who could resist trying to find a lesbian subplot? Despite that, there really is a sapphic undercurrent to this film beyond the feverous imagination of its queer audience.

Anything else? Eliza Dushku/Faith plays a similar feisty and flirty role opposite Buffy. Draw your own conclusions.

Overall lesbian subtext rating: 8/10.

Bend it Like Beckham

The plot: British Indian girl Jess dreams of being a professional football player. She is spotted playing in the park by white girl Jules (Keira Knightley) who convinces her to join the local team. Both girls struggle against their respective families who don’t like them playing football, but they eventually win them over, are talent-spotted, and win scholarships at US universities. Oh, and Jess also gets with the white, male coach, and her family are ok with it.

The gaydar goggles subplot: Jess and Jules are clearly crazy about each other, but their families can’t cope with them playing an unladylike sport and being in a mixed-race and same-sex relationship. So they go to America.

Evidence for: Jules’ parents think the pair are lesbians, Jess’ parents think that she was kissing a man when she was hugging Jules. And sorry to generalise, but women’s football is surely the gayest sport in the universe. As Jules’ mum says, “All I’m saying is, there’s a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella.”

Evidence against: It can hardly be called a lesbian subplot when a running joke in the film is how the families are convinced – and horrified – that their daughters are lesbians.

But seriously. Is there really anything there? Unbelievably, the original script did have Jess and Jules as a couple, but then the film-makers chickened out and substituted friendship for love.

Anything else? Angry that you missed your chance to see Keira Knightley playing for our team? Read the excellent Dropping Lesbian Romance from Beckham the Right Decision on AfterEllen.com before you fire off some angry emails.

Overall lesbian subtext rating: 2/10.

Tank Girl

The plot: A sci-fi future where Earth is a barren wasteland controlled by water-obsessed bad guys. Tank Girl goes on a mission to save a little girl, but really all she does is shoot guns and pose. She also meets a girl who flies jets, and some talking kangaroos.

The gaydar goggles subplot: The same hazy ‘plot’ as above, but with lots more going on between nervous, geeky Jet Girl and the gangly cocksure Tank Girl.

Evidence for:
Tank Girl to the soldier man hassling Jet Girl: “Quit picking on my girlfriend!” [kisses Jet Girl]
Soldier: “Ugh!” [walks away, disgusted]
Jet Girl: “Thanks” [touches mouth nervously] “Think it worked”
Tank Girl: “What worked?”
Evidence against: Apart from the above scene, there is zero sexual tension between Tank Girl and Jet Girl. Mind you there’s not much more between Tank Girl and her kangaroo boyfriend.

But seriously. Is there really anything there? Tank Girl is the ultimate punk-dyke pin-up. She has the attitude, the clothes and the hair (or lack of). We don’t care that it’s a rubbish film with little plot and bad acting. Tank Girl the character will always be far greater than Tank Girl the film, which means we can make her into whatever we want.

Anything else? Victoria Beckham, Emma Bunton and Geri Halliwell all auditioned for the lead role. Thank the good lord none of them got it.

Overall lesbian subtext rating: 3/10

Friend Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Café

The plot: Old woman in nursing home reminisces about 1940s life in the town of Whistle Stop, Alabama. Ruth is a sweet girl who marries a bad man, gets pregnant, then runs away to set up a café with her best friend Idgie. The bad man comes to take away the baby but he is killed. Idgie refuses to let a black man take the blame and they both narrowly escape being hanged, then Ruth dies of cancer and everyone is sad.

The gaydar goggles subplot: A lesbian coming of age / love story set against the backdrop of 1940s deep south racism.

Evidence for: As a girl, Idgie is a real tomboy. As a teenager, she’s not interested in guys. She never wears girlie clothes. The only person who can tame her wild ways is the beautiful Ruth. Idgie charms bees and gets honey to impress Ruth. It works. They get drunk and swim together at night. Idgie is devastated when Ruth says she’s getting married. Idgie can’t forget Ruth and goes to see her, and she rescues her from the bad man. They live together. They bring up a child together. Oh, and Idgie persists in wearing men’s shirts and dungarees even as an adult.

Evidence against: We never actually see them kiss or do anything but hug.

But seriously. Is there really anything there? It’s unbelievably obvious that this film is a love story between Idgie and Ruth, and yet at no point is there any reference to them having a lesbian relationship. But you’d have to be pretty determinedly blinkered not to see this one, even without gaydar goggles.

Anything else? The novel by Fannie Flagg that the film is based on makes it abundantly clear that Ruth and Idgie are a couple and not just friends.

Overall lesbian subtext rating: 10/10. Full marks for subtext, as Fried Green Tomatoes actually is a lesbian novel watered down to be a hetero film. For shame!

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