February 6, 2013

IconValentine’s Tips for the Unromantic, by Zoe Lyons

Zoe Lyons is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian who regularly appears on Mock The Week (BBC2) and The Wright Stuff (C5).  Other TV appearances have included Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow (BBC1) and Celebrity Pointless (BBC1). We’ve managed to convince her to share some of her top Valentine’s tips with Lesbilicious readers. Enjoy!

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I can quite easily contain my excitement because, my friends, I am not the romantic sort, writes Zoe Lyons.

Couple that with the fact that my girlfriend and I have been together 14 years and you may well understand that the whispering of sweet nothings has long since been replaced with the yell of “where the hell are my socks?”

It has to be said that I’m the least romantic of the two of us. The GF will on occasion make a gallant effort to scatter some rose petals over our relationship. Only last week she went through my diary, turned to me and said “Please keep the 10th free”.

“Oh god….why?” I snapped.

“It’s our anniversary”  came her deflated response.

“I totally knew that” I lied.

So here are my top tips for Valentine’s Day dates for those who find gushy amour a complete bore.

The Flowers

Do not buy your partner flowers on Valentine’s Day. There are a couple of reasons for this. Anyone who has ever been given flowers whilst on a night out will know what a pain in the arse these blooms become over the course of an evening. You’re forced to carry your bulky buds around all night and keep the bloody things alive in the process.

As the evening progresses I often find the care factor for the flowers decreases, they get sat on, trapped in a taxi door, dry out by a radiator until you’re left with some sad leaves squashed in clear plastic. So destroyed is the bouquet that often the first thing you do when you eventually get home is bin the thing. Secondly, the price of flowers rockets around Valentine’s Day, meaning you’ll pay through the nose for a single red rose.

If you feel you simply must show your love by gifting a bit of flora buy a house plant, at least you’ll get your money’s worth and nothing says I love you like a cactus!


Ok, I love my food, I really do. Food is a wondrous, joyous stimulating thing but it is not a romantic thing. Try and get romantic with my food and I will prod you with my butter knife. Anyone who has ever had food poisoning from an oyster will know how quickly the purported claim that they’re an aphrodisiac disappears down the loo. Also, the number of places I’ve seen selling chocolate body paint on the run up to the 14th February is extraordinary.

I find the thought of covering the GF in pudding a bit bizarre, not least cause I don’t really have a sweet tooth and if I wanted to dip her in gravy suddenly I’m the weird one!  So if you’re planning a meal out with your beloved I strongly recommend you stick to basics like steak and chips and use a plate to eat off rather than her torso.

Soft Toys

The doe eyed bunny gift with “I love you” embroidered onto its tummy? No, just plain no.


A good location for the Valentine date is vital. If like me you’re in a long term relationship, you don’t want to go anywhere where you might be forced to sit for long periods and talk to one another. We have covered everything… twice. Why not try the cinema: if you include trailers that’s a good two and a half hours where you don’t have to think of anything to say. For the advanced version of this date go to an opera, The Ring Cycle by Wagner lasts for 14 hours.

If however this is a new relationship and the focus of your affections is a bit of a looker, you should have your date in as public a place as possible. You may want to take in several bars in the evening to make sure that all your ex girlfriends get a good chance to see you with said hottee, before said hottee realises she can do better and trots off.

The Bedroom

And so to bed! If the date has gone to plan and she’s been won over by your gift of a robust cost-effective house plant, with any luck there may be some romance in the bedroom area. The fact that I have referred to it as the “bedroom area” is a clear indicator that I am no clever linguist when it comes to the language of love. I don’t see this as an issue really as, if we’re honest, most of us find the idea of “talking dirty” a little awkward.

Plus, if someone is demanding that you drop dirty talk in their shell-like while they’re covered in chocolate body paint it’s my feeling they’re asking too much.

“Talk dirty? Well you have ruined these bloody sheets for a start.”

Keep it simple but to the point.

“Eh up chuck, under these polyester pyjamas I am totally starkers!”

Happy dating.



 Zoe’s new tour ‘Pop Up Comic’ will premiere on 20th February at the Roses Theatre in Tewkesbury. The show will take in 22 dates including 3 nights at London’s Soho Theatre from 15th – 17th March.

Pop Up Comic is Zoe’s fifth solo show and is an energy packed combination of the silly, physical and the satirical. Zoe has taken a long hard look at the big issues of the day, binned them and focused her attention instead on some really important stuff, like why are there so many one-footed pigeons and motion sensitive air fresheners in the world? 

For more info and the full list of dates go to www.zoelyons.co.uk

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Hilary Wardle


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