July 20, 2013

IconWhy it’s great being a lesbian

I went for a drink with one of my straight female friends the other day who wanted to have a moan about her boyfriend. She was getting weary of his addiction to video games and his poor personal hygiene.

As she downed her fifth glass of Pinot Grigio, she confessed that her boyfriend liked to fart in bed and then hold her head under the covers. ‘God I wish I was a lesbian’ she said with a mournful sigh and I patted her arm in sympathy.

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, but it’s bloody great being a lesbian. Aside from the obvious bonus that we get to date women, there are many other unexpected advantages:

We have more female friends

Straight women are predators and often see other women as a threat. As a lesbian, you are the ultimate trustworthy friend as there is zero chance of you flirting with or stealing your mate’s man. Do a lot of straight women consider you to be their best friend? Yep, I thought so.

We don’t have to eat the smallest pork chop

When serving dinner you don’t have to automatically take the smallest portion in order to look dainty and feminine. In fact, giving yourself to a few extra chips is helping your girlfriend along with her diet. Nom nom nom.

We get to watch the best TV

You can spend a whole day watching a Sex And The City box set or get hooked on Downton Abbey and your other half is unlikely to complain. In fact, she will probably be curled up watching it with you.

We get to go to stag parties… and hen parties

Your male friends consider you to be ‘one of the lads’ and you get to go to the stag dos with all the associated debauchery. Of course, you are also invited to hen parties with the added bonus you can bring your girlfriend along too.

Cost saving

The cost of expensive but necessary items such as hairdryers is halved and clothes, shoes, makeup and jewellery can all be shared. If you are lucky enough to date someone the same size as you, your wardrobe instantly doubles.

There’s no baby pressure

For most women, as soon as there’s a sniff of a serious relationship unfolding the well-meaning relatives begin to enquire about the patter of tiny feet. For us lesbians, the family are unlikely to know about the options and procedures for gay couples having children and are probably uncertain about the etiquette of asking, so they avoid the subject altogether. Thank heavens for that.

Data is on our side

Statistically, your partner is more likely to stay faithful and is less likely to give you a STD if you are in a lesbian relationship. You partner is less likely to snore and you probably share household chores equally compared with your straight female counterparts who do 75% of the boring jobs. Women also live longer than men. Boom.

And last, but by no means least…

The Sex

How many times have bewildered blokes or straight girls asked their lesbian friends ‘but how do you have sex without a penis?’

Apart from the unique closeness and passion of lesbian relationships, the fact that the typical lesbian bedroom scenario contains two pairs of breasts, two clitorises, two g-spots and maybe even a bag of sex toys makes it the most varied type of sex there is.  There is far too much fun going on for anybody to be missing a penis, with the added bonus that nobody has to sleep in the wet patch.

Sorry guys!

8 Responses to Why it’s great being a lesbian

  1. amelia says:

    haha, this is so good, one of my friends also said that being a lesbian ‘saved her’ from having to conform in any other way in her life, therefore escaping the trappings of Tori families/ being pushed into certain jobs or life pathways. Bonus!

  2. banjo says:

    pinaaaaaaaaa coladaaaaaaaa

  3. Sarah Jarvis says:

    I am an ex Mormon that wishes I had never married a male. I was told my whole life that being with the same sex is wrong and after being homeschooled losing my family seemed more than I could bear. I hate the make body, personality and even their hair grosses me out. I perform all the Alex for mysel and husband and I just wish I wasn’t pressured into this lifestyle. I have always been shy around other girls because I find them so beautiful I want to treat them as no male ever could. This is all rushed and badly written. No where close to my usual standard but I am so depressed that I want either my husband or myself to die. I love him and he is y best friend but I can’t be happy with him. I don’t know what to do. I wish I has known that lesbians are not going to hell a lot sooner than this…

  4. Rosie says:

    Hi Sarah,

    It sounds like you need to talk this through and perhaps get some help. There are lots of free services where you can call or email a trained LGBT counsellor, for example the London Lesbian and Gay switchboard: http://www.llgs.org.uk/ . Why not look on Google for one in your area?

    You could also call or email the Samaritans who will be able to listen and advise you on getting other help should you need it.

    Good luck and I hope you can find happiness.

  5. Halle says:

    Hi there I’m 36 & have 3 kids the problem is that I grew up having this feeling of lesbians even today still the same when I see other women I feel as if I can propose her but I’m scared how they’ll say because they knew me as a woman but I’m dying inside another thing I was scared of my family because my mom was very strict that’s why I didn’t allow my feelings of lesbian to appears. So please help me what must I do I’m so frustrated about this kinda life I’m living now as a woman. Thank you everyone love you all…

    • Lana Michaels says:

      Hi Halle, I’m in need of a like minded goddess, I would love to chat I’m married as well but really love other women I’ve never experienced a sexual relationship with a women but would love to my husband is very supportive of this as I need good female companionship , friendship , fun sisterhood and great sensual sex. I’m very discreet and would like to chat and get to know other ladies to find compatibility. I’m kind sensitive and caring with a good sense of humour.

      • Olivia says:

        Hi Lana, I’d love to talk with you. I recently discovered I’m a lesbian but I’ve never been with a woman before. I’m not in a relationship but I’d love to find someone I could talk to about this.
        Olivia. x

  6. Rosie says:

    Hi Halle,

    I would offer you the same advice as I gave to the reader above. It may be helpful for you to talk your feelings through with a trained LGBT counsellor and I suggest Googling the gay and lesbian switchboard for your area.

    You are certainly not alone in your feelings and there is a lot of help and support out there for people struggling with their sexuality.

    Please be assured your feelings are perfectly natural and the LGBT community will welcome you with open arms should you choose that path.

Rosie Hayes

Video

Shit people say to pregnant lesbians

A collaboration between Lesbilicious and the Short & Girlie Show, exploring the reactions that lesbians get when they tell people they are pregnant or that they are trying for a baby.

This video was filmed in Brighton, UK.

June 21, 2013